I mistake my happiness for blessing

I’ve become pretty crap about actually talking about how I feel or what’s going on inside my mind. My standard response as of late has been, “Oh, I’ve just been working.” And y’know, that’s part true–work has consumed most of my waking hours and thoughts over the past six weeks. But that’s really another story.

Seriously though, the other night I was in a room of people who were discussing church and what they’d been thinking about to that end recently. And I had thoughts to share but I decided not to. Why? I’m not really sure why, except I guess I kind of thought, “Well, I just met them, maybe they don’t care what I think.” But that’s really stupid because they’re nice girls and generally if you’re talking about something, don’t you want to hear what other people have to say on the matter? (I guess it could also be because I was pretty tired. 🙂 )

I was thinking about all of this last night while I was driving home from the outlet mall in Bessemer. (Again, that’s another story. I’m not really sure why I went, since I didn’t buy anything. But drive time is good thinking time.) For some reason as I was walking to my car, I nearly burst into tears. I was reminiscing on things that happened several years ago and I just got emotional.

When I got to my car, I let the tears flow and I popped in a Caedmon’s mix I made years and years ago. (Well… actually, about the time I was thinking about that got me crying in the first place. Which, by the way, doesn’t make any sense. Do you ever cry without knowing why? I do, about one day a month, so I’m pretty comfortable with it. Sometimes you just need a good cry I guess!)

So there I was, flying down I-20/I-59 with tears alternately pouring down my cheeks and drying up, depending on which song was on. I listened to “Somewhere North” for the first time in AGES and it made me BAWL. I hate that song for that reason, it always makes me sad. By the time I got to “Thy Mercy” and “I Boast No More” I was grinning like a maniac…

Because the truth is, I try to be perfect, and really my motivation is because I want CJ to be perfect. It has very little to do with God. But He accepts me even in my self-righteousness and pride and stubborness. I think I can make it on my own, which is probably why I go through these phases where I refuse to talk about my emotions. But I can’t, because I pretty well suck on my own. Okay, I guess it depends on who you’re comparing me to; I’m not a “horrible person,” but stacked up next to Jesus I’m pretty crap. (Why do I use that word so much? It’s so ugly! But it fits here.)

I’m not sure why I’m vomiting all this in an online journal, because while I was doing all this thinking last night, I thought “maybe I should tell people what I’m thinking/feeling instead of saving it for a long blog post.” But I’m home alone this weekend and so here I go anyway. I think I’m going to try to stop doing this, though. Well. Not that I’ve been doing it that much lately anyway.

Okay, and I’m going to leave you with these lyrics, because this is where I am today. And I don’t care that it’s a country song sung by an American Idol contestant. I LOVE IT. So there.

Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I’m just sleepwalkin’
Through my life
It’s like I’m swimming through
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Goin numb inside
I dont like who I’m becomin’
I know I’ve gotta do somethin’
Before my life passes right by

I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight with the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I aint afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live

Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I’ve spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I’m in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air im breathin’
And know that I’m alive

Somethin deep inside
Keeps sayin
Life is like a vapor
Its gone in just a blink of an eye

I want to take every
Breath I can get
I want to live

5 Comments

Filed under Autobiography, Faith, Insecurity, Lyrics, Reasons why

5 Responses to I mistake my happiness for blessing

  1. yeah, i vomited all over my blog last night. its good to do that. why try to be someone you’re not for a blog? that’s what i figured anyway. somewhere north doesn’t make me cry, its a song about hope and love. at least that’s my opinion on it. i’m glad your drive home from bessemer gave you time to think.

  2. Dee

    Get it out girl and don’t stop writing! Many people read this blog, hoping to catch glimpses into your life and heart in order to keep up with you, because we care about you!….Say it out loud or post it on a blog, just make sure it’s out and shared with someone….you are a vibrant person with interesting thoughts…share them…

  3. Thanks for posting those song lyrics… I think I’m going to post them in my own blog because they sum up where I am too, and have been for too long. It’s interesting being here at New Staff Training and feeling nothing, KNOWING that there’s more but unable to cry or feel like I can really live…

  4. Lauren

    Hey Carla–it’s Lauren from cg. Just wanted to say hi and sorry we don’t get to see you much anymore.
    I cry too for no apparent reason a time or two a month (more lately because of stress levels, but still usually nothing particular has set it off–and I generally begin laughing while I’m crying because it’s so stupid that I’m crying!) But really it’s not stupid. I think that’s one of the cool (but sometimes frustrating) things about being a woman–we’re more emotional, therefore maybe feel things more deeply than our opposite sex friends (I hope that didn’t come out wrong, i don’t mean to say at all that men don’t have feelings.) Sometimes it really does feel better to have a good cry!

    And don’t apologize for liking that song–I love it too!

  5. TLC

    I can definitely relate to a lot of the things you’ve said here, and I do hope you continue to write those things, because it’s good for all of us to know that we’re not the only ones who feel this way sometimes…

    And you always have a beautiful way of putting it into words…

    ~TLC

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