The night wants to kiss you deep And be on his way

Tonight I’m in the mood to have a boyfriend.

I don’t know what brought that on, but as it’s become a fairly rare wish, I thought it worthy of mention. I’m not sure when I became so anti-swoony in my attitude toward men. I wasn’t always this way, and I’m afraid it will take nothing more than “Mr. Right” to snap me out of it.

I received my share of condolences this weekend as I attended yet another wedding as a single woman. The funny thing is that I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t pity myself! I’m 22, reasonably attractive and content with my place in life. (Okay, I’m not content with the student loans, but besides that…) I don’t want to be married right now.

Okay, so that’s due at least in part to the lack of interesting, available men around me. I’ve decided that I won’t do much dating in Tuscaloosa. In my year here, I’ve met one man with potential and that didn’t happen.

Sure, there’s plenty of other reasons, most of them logical in nature. But you know what I realized? I don’t want to be identified as “so-and-so’s girlfriend” or “so-and-so’s wife.” I’m CJ, I’m my own person, and I like it that way, thankyouverymuch.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t be caught up in other people’s opinions of me. I can’t let others define my identity. But I’ll be frank here. I know I tend to label some of my friends’ significant others as nothing more than that. We’re getting to the point where we’re far enough separated that I don’t really know the husbands and boyfriends of even my closest girl friends. The stories I’m told and my brief interactions with them help to flesh out the storyline, but in my mind they’re still supporting characters.

More than anything, I don’t want to identify myself as “so-and-so’s girlfriend.” Second to Christ, my opinion about myself is the one that matters most. I never want to find my identity wrapped up in another human being. It should come first from Jesus and second from my personality and interests, I think.

These are probably good realizations to have when I’m (momentarily, temporarily ;)) wishing for a man in my life. I told a friend the other day that I think I’m becoming more self aware… and part of that awareness is realizing potential and current weaknesses. Step two is relying on Christ for strength and change. Even as this fleeting desire begins to pass, I’ve got to keep my eyes turned heavenward.

la la la la la la
And there’s a rare bit of public spiritual reflection for you.

4 Comments

Filed under Faith, Insecurity, Love letters

4 Responses to The night wants to kiss you deep And be on his way

  1. Heh … this is the entry that I haven’t written but should, because I’m largely the same way right now.

    I blame it on Spring, myself.

  2. i know exactly what you mean about becoming identified as ‘so and so’s girlfriend’ or whatever. i do it… in fact, i make it a point to try and introduce people by their first name, then their “title” just so that they don’t become as much of a rank. but have you ever noticed that there are those rare couples who are so entirely in love and dependent upon one another, and yet so entirely individually of themselves? they are few and far between, but i’ve met them. i want to be in one of those relationships.

  3. Tim

    Hey Carla Jean,
    I often get myself a little riled up when I read your blog, cause I “almost” agree with a lot of things you say, but I think we have a slightly different view on things. Sure people know other people in reference to their partners, but I think it is largely just a point of reference, like the difference between my friends “Daz Man… Minister Daz Man” and “Daz Man… as in Mike & Daz Man”. I think you have an uncommon enough name that you will most likely be just Carla Jean.
    On the matter of being “wrapped up in someone elses identity”,I think the idea of two people becoming one flesh was part of God’s plan. In my recent experience, I have come to understand a lot more of who I am as an individual, because I have to look at myself not only through my own jaded eyes, but through the eyes of another.
    Anyway, I do love your work, even if my views differe. Nice to be forced to think, plus I love most of the photos that you post!

    Keep on truckin!

  4. It’s always interesting to read your viewpoints, as well, because often we’re closer than you think. I fully agree that two becoming one is biblical… but I don’t think (and heck, this is just my opinion) that demands that I completely cease being Carla Jean in favor of becoming “Carla Jean & Mr. So-and-so,” if that makes sense. My identity is (hypothetically) affected by a man, but not wrapped up in him alone. Does that make sense?

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