Tonight I’m in the mood to have a boyfriend.
I don’t know what brought that on, but as it’s become a fairly rare wish, I thought it worthy of mention. I’m not sure when I became so anti-swoony in my attitude toward men. I wasn’t always this way, and I’m afraid it will take nothing more than “Mr. Right” to snap me out of it.
I received my share of condolences this weekend as I attended yet another wedding as a single woman. The funny thing is that I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t pity myself! I’m 22, reasonably attractive and content with my place in life. (Okay, I’m not content with the student loans, but besides that…) I don’t want to be married right now.
Okay, so that’s due at least in part to the lack of interesting, available men around me. I’ve decided that I won’t do much dating in Tuscaloosa. In my year here, I’ve met one man with potential and that didn’t happen.
Sure, there’s plenty of other reasons, most of them logical in nature. But you know what I realized? I don’t want to be identified as “so-and-so’s girlfriend” or “so-and-so’s wife.” I’m CJ, I’m my own person, and I like it that way, thankyouverymuch.
I know, I know. I shouldn’t be caught up in other people’s opinions of me. I can’t let others define my identity. But I’ll be frank here. I know I tend to label some of my friends’ significant others as nothing more than that. We’re getting to the point where we’re far enough separated that I don’t really know the husbands and boyfriends of even my closest girl friends. The stories I’m told and my brief interactions with them help to flesh out the storyline, but in my mind they’re still supporting characters.
More than anything, I don’t want to identify myself as “so-and-so’s girlfriend.” Second to Christ, my opinion about myself is the one that matters most. I never want to find my identity wrapped up in another human being. It should come first from Jesus and second from my personality and interests, I think.
These are probably good realizations to have when I’m (momentarily, temporarily ;)) wishing for a man in my life. I told a friend the other day that I think I’m becoming more self aware… and part of that awareness is realizing potential and current weaknesses. Step two is relying on Christ for strength and change. Even as this fleeting desire begins to pass, I’ve got to keep my eyes turned heavenward.
And there’s a rare bit of public spiritual reflection for you.