But that’s the broken place that’s where you are

Well, I was never less than perfectly happy without you
And I was never more inclined to stay on my own
But I guess the best surprises come when you’re not looking
‘Cause I was dying, but I never would have known

I know I’ve been quoting Tara Leigh Cobble (and in this case, Oliver Lollis) quite a bit lately, both in my blog and my away messages. There simply aren’t enough artists who sing about these screwed up relationship things from a Christian perspective!

Not that I’m in a relationship, mind you. I’m no where close! But I go through these cycles where I think about guys a lot, and right now I’m at the peak of another.

See, there’s a problem with this house that I’ve constructed
Fashioned carefully from all the strongest stones
‘Cause I see cracks in the walls I’ve never noticed
Ignore the crumbling as I try to live alone

This could be the theme song of my love life, only without anyone on the receiving end. I don’t know when I got so skeptical about men (though those of you who know the ex-boyfriend should know that it was long before he entered the scene). But sure enough, this is where I am.

You know what? I kind of like my “anti-swoony” attitude. I used to be the girl who daydreamed about marriage on a daily basis. I doodled my (future) kids’ names in the margins of my notebooks when I should have been paying attention to my Old Testament professor. (Sarah Grace and Caleb Joshua are my favorites, in case you were wondering. Joshua is the best name ever.) My closest friends and I would make bets on which of us would be the first down the aisle, and I often had the most votes.

And I said, “love is such a weakness, and it’s better not to fall,”
And I’ll admit, it’s satisfying to pretend that I am strong
You know, no one has accused me of not trying to know it all
But I’m finding that I’ve never been so wrong
For everyone but you

That girl disappeared somewhere along the line. I don’t know what (or who?) caused that, except perhaps a healthy dose of reality. Instead of daydreaming about wedding gowns, I’ve nearly gone to the opposite extreme. My attitude is now one of “I don’t need a man, and you’re crazy if you’re going to convince me otherwise.”

There’s a warm day once a week when winter’s ending
Bringing little bits of summer yet to come
It’s like those times that we’re together when it’s tempting
To take your hand instead of turn and run

There’s some truth to that. I don’t need a man. I’m happy to be a young, single Christian woman. I’m throwing a lot of effort toward starting a career, and I have some great friends for support. I have interests, I have hobbies, I have Jesus. I don’t have a boyfriend.

See, I could talk all night about how I’m so happy
But I’d be wasting words on things just halfway true
If real contentment is a constant, then I wonder
Why I often wish that I were holding you

There’s effects of that mentality. Despite the truth in it, my desire for independence is also rooted in doubts and insecurity. Therefore, if I find myself intrigued by a man, I’m quick to beat myself up for it. “It’ll never happen!” I tell myself. “You’re just being silly. Put that out of your mind.”

And you can call it what you want, and write it off as just temptation
Wear the single life and dress it to the nines
But those sweet freedom berries make a bitter glass to drink
When no one’s there to share with you the wine

I think that extreme may be just as bad as the other. Balance, please?

–Tara Leigh Cobble & Oliver Lollis, “Winter’s Ending”

4 Comments

Filed under Faith, Love letters, music

4 Responses to But that’s the broken place that’s where you are

  1. Tara: “I dont really understand girls who hate boys.
    *Alisa elbows Carla* I like boys. A lot. Probably too much.”

    Someday, you’ll be singing this tune (Winters Ending) Carla. 😉

  2. I’m pretty sure I swing b/w these two extremes daily, if not hourly… lol…

  3. Carla, if you’re going to be one extreme or the other, then this one is much preferred. The swoony end of the stick is as annoying as all get-out.

    Just keep your nose down and work on creating a fulfilling singlehood and stuff will take care of itself. Trust me on this 🙂

  4. memphis matt

    there’s such a fine line between: 1.) being content with one’s singlehood and not requiring someone to share your experience with(sweet freedom berries) and 2.)being content with where you are and WANTING or NEEDING that other person by your side.
    the ability to discern which you are is difficult. i cann enjoy all that i do and appreciate the blessings i have for what they’re worth to me from God. But i can also see the unmatched blessing of being able to share those same gifts and moments with someone who sees them for what they’re worth just as i do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *