Is this real, or am I dreaming?

With the dawning of this new year, my heart has been jumping through a series of hoops. 2004 is full of promise (shouldn’t each new year be?) But with those opportunities come risks.

My little heart is on the line – in so many ways. I feel vulnerable, as I am repeatedly opening myself up to rejection. Ten days into the year, I’m looking down the road and quietly panicking.

With every story I write for the paper, I worry that I’ve lost my touch. I’m a wreck until I see my words in print or receive a word of affirmation from my editor. Each note from an interview is meticulously filed away. Should a source bring a lawsuit against me, I want to have as much evidence on my side as possible. My new digital voice recorder offers me increased confidence in the accuracy of my quotes. Yeah, I’m a features writer – I’m not writing particularly controversial pieces. Still…

At one o’clock each afternoon, I begin a series of trips to my mailbox. Until the postman delivers the day’s goods, I parade up and down the stairs of my building. I’ve applied to nine summer internships and received a response from only one. I’m confident that I’ll spend my summer in the city and with the paper that God sees as best — but I’m sure curious about which that will be. 😉 I’m anxious to see if that will be at a paper, or if I’ll be finishing up classes in Tuscaloosa. Graduating a bit earlier wouldn’t be so bad. My only fear there is that I won’t be good enough to get a job.

I have to get a job, you see. Not only do I have to pay off these student loans, but I simply can’t imagine not working. I’m in this field because I’m passionate about writing. I walk through life scrawling out a mental script. As I move along in my education and continue to practice my craft, this desire only grows. It’s a yearning, if you will.

Though it’s the foremost challenge on my mind, securing a summer internship isn’t the only hurdle ahead. My classes this semster are exciting (there’s a topic where I could ramble!), but my professors are challenging. If I can gain their approval, I’m in good shape. There’s a possibility of a spring internship on the horizon, and of course, I ultimately hope to have a job by December 31.

I’ll admit that I sound neurotic. ::shrug:: So be it – sometimes I am. 🙂 I’m confident that each chance I’m taking is worthwhile.

But I’m still scared. 🙂