Blog

This day’s been crazy but everything’s happened on schedule

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I don’t have much to say. I just really wanted to use that subject line. 🙂

I had a good, albeit exhausting and discombobulated, day. I switched from reporting to the copy desk this week. (For those of you non-journalists, that means instead of writing, I’m editing for style and grammar as well as designing pages.) The hours are 2:30 – 11:30 p.m., so when I woke up this morning, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. Somewhere along the way I’ve become a morning person, so right now my poor little body is utterly confused.

But a cup of coffee (O’Henry’s African roast) brought me to life. I had lunch with Kate at Cobblestone – it was good to get to know her a little more and to talk about all sorts of things, past and present and possibly future. Hopefully we can do that again. I think we have a lot in common!

Then it was back to work. I am enjoying learning all this stuff, but wow oh wow, I’m exhausted right now. It doesn’t help that I’ve had tummy problems all day, either. 😛 In any case, I think my pages for tomorrow look lovely, even if no one else will pay them any mind.

They’re already asking me if I want to stay on the copy desk permanently (and already realizing that my heart is really in writing). I mean, it’s hard to say after only two nights… but the hours are not my style, how do you have a life outside the newsroom? How do you have friends who have normal jobs? I don’t get that. But this is definitely something I want to learn… I just don’t anticipate falling in love with it. I mean, I’ve been obsessed with writing for almost 15 years.

Crappy crap crap. I just realized I can’t go to RMC on Sunday. I have to WORK.

For now, I think I’ll drift to sleep with the sounds of RMC in my ears…

“How full of doubts I live, though full of grace thou art”

She’ll let you in her heart if you’ve got a hammer and a vice

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I spent a lot of time this weekend with two of my favorite Florida State alumni, and a good deal of that time was spent discussing what we (well, what one of us) want out of life. Heather is trying to decide what’s next for her (besides living in Starkville), and in doing that she’s weighing how those options affect “the rest of her life” — marriage, kids, that kind of thing.

It’s hard to plan around something that you don’t have, though.

Anyway, that got me thinking — what do I want out of my life? That’s a hard question to answer at 24… sometimes I still feel like a little kid! But here’s a laundry list of things that crossed my mind:

Marriage (someday)
A kid or two
A pug (Emma needs a playmate)
Maybe write a book (non-fiction)
Learn how to play guitar
Get a job in Birmingham (that’s on the list to do within the next five years)
Visit a total of 25 states before I turn 25 (I’m at 21 and I have 11 months and two weeks to go… anyone up for a road trip?)
Buy a house and paint the kitchen red
Learn how to grill (although my current method of making guys do it has proven successful in the past)
Freelance enough to actually make a little bit of money off of it
Go to another country
Enjoy my career — and I won’t be any more specific than that at this point, ’cause I don’t really know where it’s going
Buy a kayak or canoe
Go back to Arizona
Develop deep relationships with fellow believers (that’s sort of a continual thing)
Take dance classes
Fully enjoy my 20s for all they’re worth, crazy as they seem (that’s a short term goal all right!)
Learn about national politics enough to make informed decisions
Visit my parents more often
Learn how to diagram a sentence
Put money into a 401(k)
See my little brother grow up (I like watching my sisters grow up too, but they’re a LOT closer in age to me!)

…I think that’s enough goals for now…

Rain, rain on my face

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Hurricanes (or rather, the rain that the outerbands of such a storm bring to inland areas) have to be one of my favorite weather phenomena… don’t get me wrong, I realize I wouldn’t have this
attitude if I lived on the coast. Well, that’s not true either. I lived within 20 minutes of the beach for 15 years and I’ve always been pretty chill about hurricanes. Maybe I should rephrase, I realize I wouldn’t have this attitude if I lived in a hurricane-devestated area.

But I don’t.

Instead, I think a storm like this is the perfect excuse to hole up in my room with my cat and my roommate’s dog and sift through my CD collection in attempt to create the perfect chill CD… or well, as close as you can get to perfect without investing more money in iTunes. (I spent $6 on my last mixed disc.)

I’ve got the candles lit, the music going, and I think I’ll complete the evening by watching my third favorite movie of all time… Clue.
best t-shirt EVER.

Some things you want will just never be right

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I left my parents’ house in 1999, and never once have I been nostalgic for Jacksonville. I wish my parents lived closer to me, of course. (Mom just can’t seem to convince Dad that Birmingham is the place to be!) But I left that city without a glance back.

It seems strange, then, that visiting Birmingham feels like coming home. I realize my roots here don’t run deep — I lived in the ‘ham only eight months before moving back to Disgustaloosa. I don’t have the sort of network of friends here that I have in other places (that is, ridiculously deep and connected).

But man, does it feel good to be back, even for a weekend.

I went to a Barons game last night, just for something different. (We got our butts kicked, but that’s another subject I think.) Then I spent today at coffee shops — three of them, actually. My aunt and I took up space in a couple different Starbucks, then I had some much valued CJ-time at O’Henry’s.

Then it was to my much-missed, dearly-loved RMC for church. I’ve enclosed the prayer we used for confession at the end here… it was like a punch to the stomach. Oof.

I watched daylight fade to dusk on the deck of this amazing house atop one of the “mountains” in town, then spent the next hour transfixed by the city lights and enjoying conversation of friends as it swirled about me. It was so good to see my community group again, to get caught up on what’s happening in people’s lives and to just hang out. I love those guys!

As I sit now in my old room at my grandmother’s house, I feel kind of like I’ve returned to my high school bedroom. I know I was way out of high school when I lived here, and like I said, it wasn’t for that long… but it’s just comfortable, y’know? A lot of my stuff is here — I’ll even be sleeping on my own sheets tonight!

I don’t know where I’m going, only from where I’ve come… and it is a road lined with fond memories and friendships, even amid the potholes and confusion. My God is good.

Our Father, though we take your name on our lips, our hearts are far from you. The words we speak are untrue. When we say “yes,” we don’t mean “yes,” and when we say “no,” we don’t mean “no.” We like to think well of ourselves, and yet we are finding that our hearts are laced with self-protection, malice and deceit. O Lord, for the sake of your name, do not remember us according to our sins, but according to your great love.

When it gets cold outside and you’ve got nobody to love…

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I’m in a good mood today.

It’s funny, or perhaps pathetic, how much circumstances really affect my mood. It hasn’t been that long since I was keeping track of my mood in my planner, since I discussed how a day can go quickly sour for no apparent reason. And, okay, I know I still have those days. I think I always will, I think it’s just part of being the slightly-insane CJ that I am.

Lately, those days have come most frequently on the weekends. I get lonely sometimes, you know? But I’ve done a very good job of staying busy over the past couple of weeks. The other night I was on the phone with my friend Josh, who also just moved to a new place, and we celebrated the fact that we both have weekend plans. We were very proud of ourselves for not being complete losers. 🙂

I exaggerate, I know. I don’t actually think I’m a loser (well, maybe I do one day out of each year–but not in general).

But as I was saying, today is a good day. I’m on day two of a four day weekend, and that feels awfully nice. I didn’t do much of anything yesterday. I was going to be productive, but I ended up having coffee with Jordan instead. Then last night I stayed home alone with my cat and the dog and just relaxed. I cleaned my room, did some laundry, read a bit… it was nice.

Today, and probably the rest of the weekend, won’t be so low-key. I’m going to the lake with some work friends this afternoon, then to BIRMINGHAM (like that’s unusual!) for some baseball this evening. (Watching, not playing. Of course.)

And just in case you forgot, my birthday is Tuesday.

I might write something coherent soon… but today I’m just in a stream-of-consciousness rambling state of mind.

Feeling like I’m feeling now, in between the sky and clouds

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?
Galatians 3:2-3

“A Christian is not just someone who knows about Jesus, but one who has “seen” him on the cross. Our hearts are moved when we see not just that he died in general, but that he had to die for us. When that knowledge becomes affecting and life-changing, we are Christians. We see the meaning of his work for us.” –Tim Keller

How easily I forget…

When life don’t seem worth living, come to Jesus, let him hold you in his arms

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Susan passed this to me a while ago but I’m just now getting around to it… I’ll save my real entry for tomorrow (or well, someday)…

Total Number of Books I Own: Most of my books are in Birmingham… since I am not, I’ll have to guess. I’d say around 50 though. I’ve gotten really good at NOT buying books. Mostly I go through the library first and if the book is SO good that I HAVE to have it in my collection I start looking for a used copy. Not that this process always works…

Last Book I Bought:

A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby… which, by the way, did not go through the aforementioned reviewing process and which I could probably live without. It’s good, but it’s probably my least favorite of his so far.

Books I’m Reading Now:

Nothing really. I’m re-reading Blue Like Jazz.

Books That Have Been Important To Me:

Ummm… gosh. I guess I’m not as attached to books as you might expect a writer to be. That’s kind of weird!

I’d say To Kill A Mockingbird, but that’s more because it’s my favorite novel (classic, prize winning novel, anyway). But it isn’t important to me in the sense that Susan described, the “shaped who I am” kind of sense.

Tim Downs’ Finding Common Ground, on the other hand, really got me thinking about my life, my goals, my gifts and my personality… and all of that kind of pushed me back on the path to journalism instead of considering full time ministry. (And by the way, that has to be one of the best decisions I ever made… which isn’t to say anything bad about the ministry I thought about going on staff with, but just that I love my job and I feel like I get to really know people more than I probably would have in that context, given my personality and such. Anyway. Ramble.)

Let’s see. So long as I’m talking about journalism, I really, really love The Landry News by Andrew Clements. I was so excited when I saw that they’re making mass market copies for $2.99 now! I really want it in hardback (and hey! my birthday is in 12 days!), but I couldn’t pass up a cheap copy of one of my favorite books. (And yes. It is a children’s book. And it is brilliant.)

And just so you know, Songbook, by Nick Hornby, is the book I wish I wrote. Only if it were mine, the f-bomb would be there in a few less times. ‘Cause I really hate that word. Unless Damien Rice is singing it, in which case it magically doesn’t matter.

I mistake my happiness for blessing

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I’ve become pretty crap about actually talking about how I feel or what’s going on inside my mind. My standard response as of late has been, “Oh, I’ve just been working.” And y’know, that’s part true–work has consumed most of my waking hours and thoughts over the past six weeks. But that’s really another story.

Seriously though, the other night I was in a room of people who were discussing church and what they’d been thinking about to that end recently. And I had thoughts to share but I decided not to. Why? I’m not really sure why, except I guess I kind of thought, “Well, I just met them, maybe they don’t care what I think.” But that’s really stupid because they’re nice girls and generally if you’re talking about something, don’t you want to hear what other people have to say on the matter? (I guess it could also be because I was pretty tired. 🙂 )

I was thinking about all of this last night while I was driving home from the outlet mall in Bessemer. (Again, that’s another story. I’m not really sure why I went, since I didn’t buy anything. But drive time is good thinking time.) For some reason as I was walking to my car, I nearly burst into tears. I was reminiscing on things that happened several years ago and I just got emotional.

When I got to my car, I let the tears flow and I popped in a Caedmon’s mix I made years and years ago. (Well… actually, about the time I was thinking about that got me crying in the first place. Which, by the way, doesn’t make any sense. Do you ever cry without knowing why? I do, about one day a month, so I’m pretty comfortable with it. Sometimes you just need a good cry I guess!)

So there I was, flying down I-20/I-59 with tears alternately pouring down my cheeks and drying up, depending on which song was on. I listened to “Somewhere North” for the first time in AGES and it made me BAWL. I hate that song for that reason, it always makes me sad. By the time I got to “Thy Mercy” and “I Boast No More” I was grinning like a maniac…

Because the truth is, I try to be perfect, and really my motivation is because I want CJ to be perfect. It has very little to do with God. But He accepts me even in my self-righteousness and pride and stubborness. I think I can make it on my own, which is probably why I go through these phases where I refuse to talk about my emotions. But I can’t, because I pretty well suck on my own. Okay, I guess it depends on who you’re comparing me to; I’m not a “horrible person,” but stacked up next to Jesus I’m pretty crap. (Why do I use that word so much? It’s so ugly! But it fits here.)

I’m not sure why I’m vomiting all this in an online journal, because while I was doing all this thinking last night, I thought “maybe I should tell people what I’m thinking/feeling instead of saving it for a long blog post.” But I’m home alone this weekend and so here I go anyway. I think I’m going to try to stop doing this, though. Well. Not that I’ve been doing it that much lately anyway.

Okay, and I’m going to leave you with these lyrics, because this is where I am today. And I don’t care that it’s a country song sung by an American Idol contestant. I LOVE IT. So there.

Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I’m just sleepwalkin’
Through my life
It’s like I’m swimming through
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Goin numb inside
I dont like who I’m becomin’
I know I’ve gotta do somethin’
Before my life passes right by

I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight with the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I aint afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live

Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I’ve spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I’m in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air im breathin’
And know that I’m alive

Somethin deep inside
Keeps sayin
Life is like a vapor
Its gone in just a blink of an eye

I want to take every
Breath I can get
I want to live

You’re the answer to all my songs

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I knew Alisa was gonna pass this to me. 🙂 It’s time for (what seems to be) everyone’s favorite meme lately.

Amount of music on your computer?
I barely use iTunes because my computer is so unreliable (although I love love love iTunes!), so I’m only at 29 songs, 2.2 hours, 187.4 mb.

Currently listening to?
Time the Revelator by Gillian Welch. I think she was the highlight of my first concert in Birmingham (City Stages 2002… it was COLD that night!).

Mmmm, and now “Zombie” by The Cranberries… which reminds me of an eighth grade dance. And my first crush on a younger man… Chaz someone-or-other. (What kind of name is Chaz?)

Five songs that mean a lot to you?
“Reasons Why” by Nickel Creek
Besides the fact that I identify with the song all too often, it brings back a lot of memories. I remember the night when Amanda came over with this CD (before Crusade one Tuesday, I think) and played a few songs from it for me. I ran out the very next day and bought it, and Nickel Creek has been my favorite band ever since. They were also the soundtrack of several games of Clue.

Hmmm. I could go for a good round of Clue.

“Be Careful” by Patty Griffin
This isn’t my favorite Patty song–not even close–but it’s the one that made me fall in love with her music. A friend sent me the mp3 one night when I was pretty upset about boy stuff (blah blah), and I listened to the song over… and over… and over… and over again. And then I went out and bought everything Patty I could get my hands on.

“Faith My Eyes” by Caedmon’s Call (I almost just wrote Derek Webb… same difference)
Besides the fact that this is probably my favorite Caedmon’s song, it’s also the song that was playing as I crossed the state line for my big move to Alabama two years ago. It’s as appropriate now as it was then.

“Crush” by Dave Matthews Band
Because there’s not much better than flying down the highway on a winter night with the windows down and Dave turned up LOUD.

“Winter’s Ending” by Tara Leigh Cobble
(I was going to put “Clarity” by John Mayer, but I already had a good Alisa song on there. And then I was going to put “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something, but I already had senior year of college memories included. So I thought I’d diversify a little bit and put something that’s more me than anything else.)

I’ve blogged about this song more times than anyone probably cares to read, but it’s so me! (Okay, it’s so TLC’s friend that she wrote it about. But I can relate.) I think I’m softening up a lot though, so maybe the song is decreasingly relevant to my mindset…

or maybe Alisa will respond to this and tell me I’m full of it. Who knows? 🙂

Top five albums?
This changes all the time, but for today I’ll say…
This Side by Nickel Creek
O by Damien Rice
Deceiver by Chris Thile
I See Things Upside Down by Derek Webb
1,000 Kisses by Patty Griffin

I’d say that’s a pretty good list.

Last album bought?
I believe it was Holly Williams’ “The Ones We Never Knew,” which I purchased with the $10 bill Aaron and Alisa argued over in California. Fun story (and great album)!

Recent discoveries?
I really don’t know. I’ve been listening to “Breathe (2 a.m.)” by Anna Nalick a lot lately, but I’ve had that song on my iTunes for… gosh… probably a year?

And the baton goes to:
Patrick (I don’t know if he’ll ever look here though)
Philip (if he reads this stuff anymore)
Cristin (well… she reads my LJ, I’ll cross-post)
Megan (she hasn’t updated in a little while anyway)
Danielle (I think the Patty Griffin exchange means we’re music friends now.)

Everybody’s waiting for me to fall

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I recently ran into someone who always made me feel dowdy and unsophisticated. I’ve always been a little self conscious about my appearance… guys used to make fun of me all the time in high school, and people used to tell me it must be difficult being best friends with someone who was as beautiful as my best buddy was. I always felt like second fiddle.

Well, when I ran into this particular person, they said, “You look great as usual.” This person then turned to the friend I was with and added, “CJ always looks great no matter what. The girl can eat anything and not gain a pound.”

So it was a relatively insignificant encounter, a relatively meaningless statement… but as I left the restaurant that evening, I thought about how much more self confident I’ve become in even the two years since I first met that person.

Part of that is probably because I’ve adopted some of the “cultural norms” of this crazy state. It’s a subtle thing, but I don’t think I dress quite as casually as I did when I first moved here. I probably wear more make up. I’m generally a little prissier, a little girlier… I guess I’m a Bama girl, at least nominally.

But I hope there’s more to my new-found confidence than physical changes. I think I’ve become more generally accepting of my quirks and my personality than I used to be. I’m more focused on my goals in life and less on trying to fit someone else’s ideals. I think I’m kind of a “grown up”–at least, as much as someone who uses the term “grown up” can be. 😉

I still get freaked out when boys tell me I’m hot, though… even if they are junior highers. 😛