I need a hug.
Not for any big reason — no crazy nights resulting in tears and driving around town for an hour tonight. (I wouldn’t be home already if that were the case. 🙂 )
I’m just tired, a little burnt out, plenty stressed. …and at the same time, I’m bordering on optimistic, feeling a little ambitious and itching to put down roots. (Well, one- to three-year deep roots, but roots nonetheless.)
I’m not sure if some of those emotions are contradictory, but that’s where I am today.
This sort of day reminds me a big of graduate school. And isn’t it weird that these memories are far enough gone that I feel justified in calling them memories?
I’ve spent the day thus far idly listening to music, occasionally instant messaging friends, making coffee and reading. Later I’ll go in to work, but it feels just like the days when all I had were night classes.
My front porch now overlooks downtown Tuscaloosa instead of downtown Northport, and it’s too hot to haul my laptop outside to write. Besides, my computer isn’t as reliable now as it was this time two years ago.
Two years ago.
Where has the time gone? I’m too young to think life is speeding by, but sometimes it sure feels that way.
Two years ago I attended orientation at UA (on crutches), then began classes and met people with whom I’m still friends. I decorated my apartment with my new roommate and spent my days jotting down my thoughts, when I wasn’t in class (and let’s be honest — often when I was!).
And now I guess I’m a professional. That didn’t strike me as odd until I realized that this is the first fall in 20 years that I won’t be going to school.
I told Philip the other day that I’m a little bit jealous of him. I don’t want (or need) another degree, but I loved being a graduate student. And isn’t it weird that I spent so much effort rushing to get my bachelor’s only to love the years I spent in grad school?
I actually keep some of my grad school texts on my bedroom shelves. I kind of miss studying. (I even spent part of the morning reading a newspaper design book.) Philip has promised to keep me posted on how much work he’s doing so I can kill the urge to enroll … but I still think that if I ever get a job that offers tuition reimbursement, I’ll find a way to put it to use.
1. “Breathe (2 a.m.)” Anna Nalick (36)
2. “Wedding Day” Rosie Thomas (27)
3. “Cold Hard Bitch” Jet (24)
4. “Come to Jesus” Mindy Smith (20)
5. “I’m Nowhere and You’re Everything” Chris Thile (16)
6. “Volcano (instrumental)” Damien Rice (15)
7. “Here’s to Hindsight” Tara Leigh Cobble (14)
8. “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” Jet (14)
9. “Goodbye Until Tomorrow” Lauren Kennedy (14)
10. “All Night” Sam Phillips (14)
11. “Springtime Indiana” Sandra McCracken (14)
12. “Close of Autumn” Caedmon’s Call (13)
13. “For What It’s Worth” The Cardigans (13)
14. “Will the Lord Indeed Appear” RMC (13)
15. “Raining at Sunset” Chris Thile (12)
16. “Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior” RMC (12)
17. “I Miss Those Days” Andrew Osenga (11)
18. “Bare to the Bone” Carrie Newcomer (11)
19. “Seven” RMC (11)
20. “Melancholy Polly” Allison Moorer (10)
21. “Secret Garden” Bruce Springsteen (10)
22. “I Boast No More” Caedmon’s Call (10)
23. “Cheers Darlin'” Damien Rice (10)
24. “Unplayed Piano” Damien Rice & Lisa Hannigan (10)
25. “Twelve” RMC (10)
Hmm. That was interesting.
Songs that I’m surprised didn’t make the list:
“On Ice” Chris Thile
“High and Dry” Jamie Cullum
Anything from 40 Acres Caedmon’s Call
Songs that I suspect are on their way up:
“500 Miles” Sandra McCracken
“Past the Point of Rescue” Hal Ketchum
“Living in a Moment” Ty Herndon
“Amazing” Josh Kelley
“Painting Pictures of Egypt” Sara Groves
Songs that I’m surprised DID make the list:
“Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior” RMC
(I guess that’s it… I would’ve thought “Jesus, I Long for Thee” or “Christ, Or Else I Die” before that…)
I can’t decide what to wear to church, so I thought this would be a nice way to procrastinate. 🙂
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7
I’ve been all over the place, emotionally, in the last few weeks. I guess that’s kind of keeping with my personality; my best friend has been really into this Myers-Brigg personality stuff lately, and I am such a feeler. My emotions run deep and sometimes drive me more than they ought.
So I guess it’s kind of normal, for me, to experience these extreme (though not manic) highs and lows. I was freaking out several days ago about work, and now I feel like I could stick it out a few months.
I guess it’s just that, even with all my stress, I’ve begun to feel that this is somewhere I could stay for a while. I feel like I’m really connecting with a few friends and just having a generally fun time with others. I’m starting to develop a sense of community, and that’s desperately important to me. I love that even some of my newer friends will call when they’re worried and offer hug-like thoughts from miles away. I’m optimistic about church, though it’s early yet.
What I’m saying is that, although I don’t know what to expect from week to week, I feel like I fit in west central Alabama. I’ve got at least a dozen people who really care about me in an 80 mile radius, and that warms my heart (cheesy as it sounds). I get a little scared, and I don’t know where I’m going, but I know that He — and you! — will still be there.
And all today’s uncertainties
And all of my impatience
Will just be flecks of color
In the picture that He’s painting
–Tara Leigh Cobble
I’m feeling better — still disappointed — but better.
Here’s the deal. Yesterday one of the “big bosses” called me into his office to talk about my current job. (For those of you who have missed it, I’m copy editing and designing right now instead of reporting. And I want to report.) So I was putting the positive spin on things — you know, “It’s making me a more well-rounded journalist” and “Though I really want to be on the other side of the newsroom, I want to do the best I possibly can and learn all I’m able over here.”
And then he drops the bomb.
Apparently two or more reporters will have to leave before they hire one replacement.
What?! Why have I been told all along that they would love to hire me if something would just open up? Why am I just NOW finding out that it’s really TWO somethings that would have to open up?
This is all made worse by the fact that they’ve hired people since I began there. They came after me, but I got a temp job and they’re full time. That’s discouraging.
And I was also just feeling so hopeful the day before… the girl who I initially came to fill in for is looking very much like she’s going to leave. I was just saying I could stick it out on the copy desk for a while if I knew that job was waiting for me.
So yeah, this sucks. But I’m still job hunting, and something will happen somewhere. I mean, it COULD happen here still. It’s just more unlikely than I ever thought.
Just when I thought we might be getting somewhere… just when I thought things might be taking a turn for the better… just when I had a little hope about the day-to-day… they burst my bubble and tell me it’s probably just not going to happen this year.
And yes, it’s August. That means five months until they anticipate being able to hire me.
I don’t think I’ll be here that long. At least, without a “real job,” I hope not.
But damn. I want to be.
So I’m not in love with my job right now. The hours, more than anything, are wearing on me, but I really miss writing too. Anyway, I have determined that I need to do my very best, even while I hope that they find me a reporting position or else I find a job somewhere else. (I need you to remind me of this, though.)
To that end, we made a list tonight of things for me to do during the daytime, since I work 2:30 – 11:30 p.m. Or well, it started off as daytime, but then it grew to include overarching goals, some of which were written by friends after they’d ingested multiple drinks and/or pitchers of beer. But I think I’ll attempt them anyway.
* Find a dance class
* PARA stuff? (parks and recreation authority… sometimes they have fun class type things… like belly dancing!)
* Volunteer somewhere, but not at the animal shelter
* Guitar lessons
* Coffee shops (of course)
* Write a book
* Drink beer straight from pitcher
* Read football for dummies
* Pick up men at the law library
* Go on three dates in one month (any takers? this is a project-level task!)
* Do something daring no one would expect
Ready? …and GO.
Just in case you didn’t know, Tim Keller, yeah, he can put together a pretty OK Bible study. This is what I was just reading, and I liked it so much that I wanted to share.
An excerpt from Marth Luther Treatise Concerning Good Works (1520), followed by Keller, followed by more Luther:
All those who do not in all their works or sufferings, life and death, trust in God’s favor, grace and good-will, but rather seek His favor in other things or in themselves, do not keep the [First] Commandment, and practice real idolatry, even if they were to do the works of all the other Commandments, and in addition had all the prayers, fasting, obedience, patience, chastity, and innocence of all the saints combined.
Comment: Luther says if you look to your moral performance of the basis of your relationship with God, then you are breaking the first of the Ten Commandments: “Have no other gods before me.” If you fail to grasp and believe the gospel of free justification through Christ’s work you violate the first command. How could this be?
“If we doubt or do not believe that God is gracious and pleased with us, or if we presumptuously expect to pleae Him through our works, then all [our compliance with the law] is pure deception, outwardly honoring God, but inwardly setting up self as a false [savior]…”
That is exactly what I have been wrestling with lately. And I’ve said it a thousand times. But I like the way Luther says it and Keller elaborates on it better than the way I mumble.
And now I have to go to work until midnight.
I definitely just scrubbed my ankle with nail polish remover.
I swear I’m sane.
I have lots of twentysomething uncertain insecure happy-go-lucky arrogant confused thoughts running through my head. While I attempt to sort them out, I’ll leave you with a few lines from one of my favorite John Mayer songs. (I am still obsessed with this song, more than three years after I first fell in love with it. I really REALLY want to go to Oak Mountain today instead of going to work.)
(Hmmm. Anyone wanna go stomp around on Oak Mountain this weekend?)
So what, so I’ve got a smile on
But it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don’t believe me
When I say I’ve got it down
Everybody is just a stranger but
That’s the danger in going my own way
I guess it’s the price I have to pay
Still “everything happens for a reason”
Is no reason not to ask myself
Am I living it right?