I’m not sure that I can afford to go home for Christmas.
I am so stressed. Save for student loans, I have never been in debt until the last year. But then one thing came after another and it snowballed. It’s not even that much – I owe less than $1,000. But I just have not been able to claw my way out of this mess.
Adding a $300 plane ticket (or $150 in gas) for a trip home wouldn’t help.
I suck at life.
What’s important to me?
paying my bills. Jesus. Real relationships with people – people who know me and call me out on sin, and people with whom I can do the same. Learning to expend energy for someone else’s good. Family. Sitting outside on sunny, cool days. Coffee (although I can learn to like decaf). Writing. Music. Correct punctuation. Reading. Setting an example for my sisters, brother and cousin. Learning to take care of myself. Having time to sit without feeling that I’ve got to rush to my next appointment. Church. Growing in my relationship with Jesus and as a person. College football.
What do I feel is getting in the way of those things?
Working part-time. Not having a regular schedule. Distance. My own attitude. Laziness. Uncertainty about my career goals. Fear, both of change and of money. Anxiety. Not being open with people. Not having time to be open with people. Turning to other things for comfort and guidance. Not taking life slowly enough to appreciate it.
The big question: What can I do about it?
(This might take a little longer to answer. But to start … ) Pray. Prioritize. Work full-time. Stop carelessly spending money. Develop my own schedule, at least as far as sleep is concerned. Spend less time on the Internet. Take at least one night a week for myself. Reread “Changes That Heal.” Pray about my career goals. Invest in my friendships.
“Where am I today? I wish that I knew
‘Cause looking around, there’s no sign of you
I don’t remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead”
-Sean Watkins, “Reasons Why”
These are my (basic) rules for dating.
If a guy asks you out, and you have no real reason to say no, then you go.
If you have a nice time when you hang out, and he wants to get together again, then you say yes.
If, after two dates, you’re really not into him, then you tell him so. I don’t care if you enjoy him as a friend or if you just don’t want to spend more time with him – this is important. I am all for going out with a guy a couple of times and seeing if the spark is there. But if it’s not, more than two dates seems like leading him on.
(“Don’t ask me to come around, then wait and see if there’s a spark.”)
Supplemental rules:
You don’t tell him that you’re not going out again via the Internet.
You don’t tell him that you’re not going out again on his birthday.
You call a friend for a pep talk before you DO make that call. (Or at least, I do. I am bad at delivering rejection.)
You call or text a couple friends after as a pat on the back for a job well done.
And then … it’s back to the dating game. Who’s next?
I’ve had a busier-than-usual social schedule here lately. (I’ve actually started joking that I need fewer friends!) But in the midst of the parties, football games and meals out, you know what I would really rather be doing?
Playing a board game.
A friend asked last year what I wanted to do for my 24th birthday, and that was my response. She laughed and said that was lame. I ended up spending that birthday watching TV alone on my couch.
Maybe it is lame. But playing those games is one of my favorite memories from college. It seems like life was simpler then. We’d gather around my dining room table, consuming way too much coffee and popcorn, and play Clue, or a card game, but almost always Clue. (I love Clue.)
Those nights weren’t really about playing the game, although everyone knows I love figuring out who dunnit. I think it was more about friendship, and enjoying each other while listening to good music, and living in a circle of friends.
You know, sometimes I hate those moments of clarity. They might be informative … but then later, you realize you’re still not OK with it. You have to accept it, but it’s just not quite right.
On Dec. 31, 1993, I had a choice: I could join my sisters for a lock in at a kids’ fun zone, or I could join my daddy for the 1993 Gator Bowl, a match up between our University of Alabama Crimson Tide and the North Carolina Tarheels. I chose the football game.
It was freezing out that night, and I stood shaking in the Gator Bowl (years before it was renovated and renamed Alltel Stadium) surrounded by middle aged men. Daddy and I drove home after a 24-10 victory, and I couldn’t understand why my sisters would choose not to be a part of this night.
Although I had a blast, I’m not sure I could have told you then how fondly I would look back on that memory.
Today my 16-year-old cousin, Katie, and I will travel to Tuscaloosa for her first-ever Alabama football game. We’ll wander the campus for hours in advance, then ascend to the upper deck for a battle against Louisiana-Monroe.
I know she’s excited, and I’m sure we’ll have fun. But I hope someday she’ll look back on this day and remember it as special – as her first real taste of college football.
for amazon.com tells me so …
Megan got her copy of the new Chris Thile album this morning and I was ALL JEALOUS. So I went online to amazon to check the status of my order, which had been sent Tuesday.
And it said it had been delivered at 11:50 a.m. today. And I was like, NUH UH! I still have no CDs!
And then my mind caught up and I thought, “Wait a minute. Go check outside.”
And there was a box on the front porch! Containing not only Chris’s “How to Grow a Woman from the Ground,” but also “Across a Wire” by the Counting Crows (which I had totally almost forgotten I ordered!) and “Continuum” by John Mayer!
AND TODAY I DON’T WORK TILL LIKE FIVE SO I HAVE TIME TO SIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO MUSIC!
Yeah. I pretty much win.
Because I know we’re all remembering today, anyway …
If you’re into history, or news, or just remembering how things were documented … this is both fascinating and disconcerting.
I love fall. Love love love love love. Love. I love that I sat outside tonight and I was COLD. And that it was totally worth it, because the Counting Crows are freaking fantastic.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I want to sit in my sweatpants and listen to music and read all day long.
And maybe drink coffee. But only if it’s from O’Henry’s. Or Crestwood. That’d be OK too.
When I moved to Cullman, Ala., I promised myself I would enlist a boyfriend and a U-haul the next time I moved.
I’ve moved twice in the 10 months since I set up house in Cullman. I rented a U-haul for the first move, but I didn’t have a truck or a man for my most recent trip.
And although this move was perhaps even less expected than the last, I feel like things are working out pretty well.
See, about a week ago my grandmother (who I lived with) asked me to move out in two weeks’ time. I don’t have any real explanation, other than that she felt I’d lived there long enough. (I guess that’s real enough.) But I work part-time, and I don’t have money saved up, so moving looked to be a challenge.
Call me the queen of the moochers (I don’t mean to be!), but now I’m living with my paternal grandparents. We’re just your typical atypical American family, I suppose: our household is now two grandparents who have already raised four children of their own, my 16-year-old cousin and me – the 25-year-old with a master’s degree and that part-time job. Oh, and two cats.
I’m excited, though. I enjoyed living with my maternal grandmother, and I think that time really helped me appreciate many of her idiosyncracies. Now I get to know my paternal grandparents and my one and only cousin a little better.
And I get to sleep in the basement, which my claustophobic mother thinks is nerve wracking, but which I LOVE. 🙂 Cousin Katie and I are just wondering how long it is until our grandparents’ friends mistake us for sisters, not cousins.
