music

There you go working good of all I have
Till all I have’s not that bad

I’ve had a rough week… and it’s only halfway over.

On Monday, I made a deal with myself. If I finished a certain number of assignments by 1 p.m., I would drive to the outlet mall in search of a coat I’ve been eyeing since September. (Rumor had it that this particular coat had made its way to the Gap Outlet at the bargain price of $49.99!)

But before I left, I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t shopping to make myself feel better. I was feeling pretty yucky – just generally unhappy with who I am and how I’ve been behaving. I realized that this errand was going to be more about the drive there than the destination (although I did want that coat.)

‘Cause I know the road is long
From the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he’s getting some place

The 45 minute-long drive was productive, indeed. After listening to the song of the week (“One More Girl” by Patty Griffin) once more, I switched to a CD that I knew would provide an appropriate background to my prayers.

But you know, I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

I’ve had so many doubts lately – not about my faith, mind you, but about my life. Am I ever going to be successful? Is this the right career path for me? (I know it is, at least for right now.) Where should I go to church? What about these friendships – are they genuine?

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing

As the trees of I-20 passed by my windows, I was reminded again that just because I’m happy doesn’t mean it’s right. I don’t know why that thought came to me or how it applies to my life right now, but it did hit home. When I’m not happy (like today!), I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

But just because I’m not happy doesn’t mean that I’ve screwed up. (Does it?)

Given a chance and a rock, see which one breaks the window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

See, these things have been keeping me up at night again. I’m worried about my future, and I know that worry isn’t what God has for me. I know that, just because I can’t see where I’m going now, I’m not necessarily going to be a failure. (And let me tell you, this perfectionist becomes nauseous at the very thought of failure!) When I feel like everything is going wrong, I’m being overdramatic. My concerns may be valid, but that doesn’t excuse placing them ahead of my faith.

Let’s give it up
Sad bones
‘Cause we all fall on hard times
But you don’t have to stand up all alone
Just put your hand in mine

I continued down the worst stretch of interstate I’ve seen, still prayerful. What about my relationships? I fear that I’ve been too sarcastic and too much of a know-it-all in many of them. What I intend as a joke may instead hurt someone that I care about.

In others, I’ve been selfish. I’ve held people that I care about to expectations. When they aren’t met, I’ve been disappointed and hurt. That’s not fair. These relationships can’t be bent to my ideals – especially not when the other person doesn’t have an understanding of them!

When did it get so hard to feel
When did my heart get so afraid to love

And even though I care for these people, I’m afraid to open up to them. I don’t know where the line is between too much vulnerability and too little – so I’ve been erring on the side of too little. I’ve figured that it’ll prevent some of the pain that I might experience from too much. But I wonder, has that “too little” been a source of pain instead?

We wouldn’t have to talk above the crowd
We wouldn’t have to talk so loud

I don’t know. I don’t understand a lot of things, nor do I know how to make sense of them. (This entry may not make sense to you… but that’s okay. I think it’s more for me than anything.) Right now, I wish I could just sit in a room with the people I miss. We wouldn’t have to do anything in particular. A round of Clue would be okay… or we could watch a few hours of “Friends.” Maybe we would get tired of television and host an impromptu evening of karaoke instead. Just being able to see some of the people I miss would warm my heart. I’d even go out for Mexican, if that’s what they wanted to do.

If I may pose a question it’ll only take a second
Cause I know that it’s getting late.
And depending on your answer I might have to pack
And make a daring daylight escape

Somewhere in the repentance of the past few days, I started to reminisce. I’m mourning friendships lost and hurts that have since been healed. I’m examining patterns in my life and wondering how I can change them.

But more importantly, I’m striving to cling to the hope that my Jesus offers.

It’s the only thing I can do.

There’s 40 acres and redemption to be found
Just along down the way
There is a place where no plow blade has turned the ground
And you will turn it over, ’cause out here hope remains