Stop trying to figure it out, deep will only bring you down

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Over the past month, I’ve been rolling an idea around in my head: sometimes failure is easier than success.

I’ll admit that idea doesn’t always show itself in the form of failure, per se. You could substitute “settling” for “failure” with the same result. It may have been easier to go on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ when I graduated from college instead of choosing a different career path. It was easier to kick off my graduate career at the same university I’d been attending for years instead of entering a risky field elsewhere. Conversley, it was scary to drop out of grad school in favor of living with my parents and praying about my next step. I thought I was crazy – and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one! – when I moved to Alabama halfway through a semester to prepare for another academic program.

Though I’ve only two classes remaining in my chosen major, there are still days when I worry I’ve made bad decisions. Journalism is an extremely competitive field; can I hack it? Is my skin thick enough to absorb the countless rejections that I’ll receive (indeed, have already received)? Do I have the talent and drive that it will take to be a success?

The answer is simple. I don’t know. All I know is I’ve got a passion for writing that feels almost as deep-seeded as Jeremiah’s fire in his bones. I may prove unsuccessful in this career, but all I know is that I must try.

I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a (red dirt, kudzu consumed) cliff. Scratch that – I’ve already taken a tentative step forward. Small and uncertain as it is, that step has sent me falling quickly toward a new destination. I see the safety net at the bottom, but it’s not a job or promise of financial prosperity. Instead, Jesus is blocking my view of those things. I don’t know what hides behind him. But I do know, even as my heart leaps into my throat, that he will catch me.

I'm such a dork.
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

CJ designated state’s official hot grandma

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

MONTGOMERY – Despite her petite size and preference for bad folk music, journalism graduate student and staff reporter CJ was named “World’s Sexiest Grandma” by a consensus of editors and managers from the Office of Student Media on Tuesday. The state House and Senate both voted unanimously to make her the official hot grandma of Alabama. Gov. Bob Riley signed the declaration yesterday.

CJ, a 22-year-old who has made random drives to Monroeville and Troy for the newspaper staff, was commended for her glasses, intelligence and general ability to “immediately inform every [male] in the newsroom he doesn’t have a chance in the hottest region of Hell: Kentucky.”

CJ was unable to accept the award in person, however, because of institutionalization due to an irrational loyalty to Florida State.

As of press time, the entire Bowden family still sucks.

–from staff reports (no one will ‘fess up to writing it! and I do NOT listen to bad folk music! Patty & Sandra rock!)

I say a little prayer for you

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Finally!

Those of you who have been keeping up with my life know that I’ve been searching for an internship since October. Thirteen rejections later, I’ve finally secured a position! It looks like I’ll be spending my summer at Campus Crusade for Christ’s HQ in Orlando, Fla.

Whew.

Now that we’ve established that… this brings up several new thoughts. I’d love your prayer (or wisdom, if you’ve got it!) in any or all of these areas.

1. Support raising. $2500 by June 7… ready, set, GO!
2. Intern for credit. I’m meeting with my adviser on Monday to discuss this possibility.
3. What’s next? My lease will run out while I’m in Florida. I’ve got to decide if we’re renewing through the fall. Is it worth a couple thousand dollars to stay in Tuscaloosa when I won’t even be on campus? Will my roomie move back to California if I leave town? Will I get a fall internship? The questions – and possibilities – are numerous.

This journey of faith continues… 🙂

Protected: I’m going to take more, more from you, letter by letter

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I promised a couple (literally) of you a transcript of my interview with Tara Leigh Cobble… so here it is! More power to you if you actually read the entire thing. It came out to just over 18 pages single spaced – almost 9,000 words long. (That’s why I referenced Dave Matthews’ “Too Much” in the subject line – could I talk any more?!) We’re password protected here because I don’t want anyone ganking my quotes for their own uses.

Enjoy!

CJW: Alright, I’m going to record you and I’m going to sit it over here so it’s a little bit closer to you because I can make out my own mumbling better than I can other people’s.

TLC: Good point. Would you like me to sit closer to it or rub it against my face?

CJW: Well you could if it made you feel better but I think we’ll be okay. (laughs) Okay, I’ll try to go somewhat quickly so we don’t take up too much time. First of all, background info. I don’t want to dwell too heavily on that because I read the different things, the articles you have linked to on your Web site, so, but I haven’t read them in the past week, which I probably should’ve done. So, is your family musical?

TLC: Yes. My dad used to play the banjo professionally, and everyone sings and plays instruments and things like that. No one does it for a living, but they’re all very musically inclined.

CJW: Okay, so you grew up in that kind of atmosphere, then. Did you have lessons or did you just…?

TLC: I took – I was in choir, which kind of serves as voice lessons, but not really. I took a few guitar lessons. The guitar teacher was really into smoking weed (laughs) so I quit after not very long. So that sort of helped me get my starter’s chops. Then mostly just self-taught, hanging out with musicians a lot. I sort of put myself in places like Guitar Center, in the guitar corner where the guy who’s the guitar tech is walking around showing everybody things. Sort of, “Teach me something!” Sort of impromptu lessons I guess.

CJW: Probably a little bit cheaper, too! (laughing) What are other interest that you have?

TLC: (laughs) I’m like, should I be honest?

CJW: You should be honest.

TLC: I like hunting. I like the outdoors, camping, politics, voting… I also like… I really like the 2:28 and hunting. (laughs) And shoes. I like shoes a lot (laughs). And Conan O’Brien – I love Conan O’Brien! If there’s one thing I try to do every day, it’s watch Conan O’Brien for a few minutes.

CJW: That’s funny. How many pairs of shoes do you have?

TLC: Maaaaaybe fifty. Not as many as I would like to, but maybe fifty. Two closets’ worth of shoes, plus a rack on the inside of my closet.

CJW: What’s your favorite pair of shoes?

TLC: I got these new black stilettos with the really pointy, pointy toes. They’re so cool. You can wear them with a skirt or with Capri pants or with jeans – all kinds – they’re so, just so diverse. You can put them with anything.

CJW: Are they comfortable? (laughs)

TLC: No, not at all! They’re really, really uncomfortable. But I love them! They’re super girly. I almost wore them today, but it was too cold outside.

CJW: Well, I brought flip flops and these (gestures at chunky heels) with me, so…

TLC: Those are the best choice for today. They cover the most foot flesh.

CJW: And these are old, beat up shoes – I’ve had them for almost five years.

TLC: I was noticing them earlier and I like them.

CJW: Well, thank you! I like them too, they’re from Sears.

TLC: I like the ankle strap. Sears has some good shoes.

CJW: They do, you just have to pay attention.

TLC: There’s a great store here in Nashville called Off Broadway.

CJW: (in a sing song voice) Note to self…

TLC: It’s not actually off Broadway, unfortunately. But if you ask anyone where the roundabout is – the roundabout with the naked music statue – that’s where Off Broadway is. Great shoes there.

CJW: Now I don’t have very much room in my closet for shoes so I try to keep it to a minimum. I could probably use some of Alisa’s closet space. Her closet’s huge.

TLC: You could store things under your bed.

CJW: Well, I already have stuff under my bed. (giggles)

TLC: Oh, well, never mind.

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We were just wasting time/ let the hours roll by

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

I’ll admit I was running a bit late this morning. I rolled over at 7:36 to hit snooze for the fifth time – and realized that it was the fifth time, and I’d better get out of bed already. I spent less time than usual on my hair and make up, and was in the car by the time that I should’ve been in class.

I parked my car in a one hour space at 8:22. With a review in one hand, I shuffled off to class, reading all the way. (Multi-tasking is my specialty.)

I finally strolled into class around 8:28. I figured it was better to be late than not to show at all.

Wrong!

Two of my classmates were talking at one of the computers. Otherwise, the room was empty.

“Um… what am I doing here?” I asked, confused.

“He told us about his retirement, to sell ads and write stories and then left,” they explained.

I looked at the clock. “Yes, it was only five minutes,” one of them said.

“Well, at least I’m out of bed and can be productive for the rest of the day…” I said, attempting to look on the “bright side.”

The dark side exists, of course. I’ve spent $1200 on this class and learned next to nothing. (I know some might argue about putting a price on education. But the university does just that, and it comes out of my checking account twice a year.) This is a subject that I truly wanted to learn about, and I’m disappointed that I’ve been cheated out of that experience.

But y’know… at least it puts me three hours closer to graduation.

Hope springs eternal

Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

Internship updates:

  • 7 down, 7 to go – I received a rejection by e-mail (a novel response!) yesterday. Sorry, Kathleen – The Patriot Ledger’s out!
  • But more importantly – I received a phone call today from the mecca of Southern magazine internships. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Southern Progress wants to interview me! I’ve got an interview with Health magazine on the 15th. You can add that to your prayer lists. 🙂

    • But in the meantime, don’t stop here. Read the next entry! Don’t skip over it just because you see something newer. 🙂

    General Life Update

    Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

    The following post was excerpted from an e-mail I wrote earlier this afternoon. I don’t know whether or not it makes an e-mail less personal if you later publish it for others to see. 🙂 In any case, I wrote it for a specific friend but thought it was worth repeating. He doesn’t read this site, anyway, so he’ll never know. 😀

    So, I had told Alisa a couple hours ago that I thought I should hear something from an internship today in exchange for not getting the weekend I had planned. (Yes, I’m a baby, but I thought that was a fair request of God. 😉 ) Well, I got what I prayed for – I opened the mailbox and found a letter from the Raleigh News & Observer, among other items.

    I pulled that out, along with a package for Alisa and another for me, and headed back up to the apartment. I opened the package first. I saved the envelope from the Raleigh paper for last, even though I knew what it contained. I told you the other night that I feel like I’m applying for college all over again. Well, college acceptance letters always felt different than rejections – thicker, usually. All this envelope contained was a single sheet of paper, so I knew I didn’t get the internship before I opened it.

    Sure enough, the three sentences typed on the company’s letterhead were not encouraging:

    “Thank you for your interest in our 2004 summer internship program. We had more than 140 applications and I regret to tell you were not chosen. I wish you well as you begin your journalism career.”

    Man. That stinks. Raleigh is one of the smaller (though not smallest) papers I’ve applied to thus far. If I can’t get accepted there, I might as well cross Jacksonville, Charlotte, New Orleans, Richmond and Austin off the list. That leaves Louisville and Quincy, Mass., out of the applications I’ve already mailed. When I was at that party for my program last weekend, one of the older grad students all but told me that I wouldn’t get accepted to any of the places I’d applied. I was pretty discouraged when I left that night, but I hoped she was wrong. Guess not.

    The good news is that the Birmingham magazine internship is promising. I don’t know if you remember me telling you about it, but it’s the one that I would start in February and work at 15 hours per week while I’m taking classes this semester. Because it’s a part time internship, and unpaid at that, I feel like my chances are much stronger. Still, the pressure’s on.

    If I can get that internship, and receive confirmation that I’ve been accepted to it, before I send out my last few apps, that would be excellent. I think that having that experience would boost my chances for the places I have yet to apply (Southern Progress, Cape Cod, Anniston, maybe Daytona Beach). I really want to get a newspaper internship this summer (or Southern Progress!), and I’m increasingly nervous about it. If I can’t even get an internship, how on earth am I going to get a JOB?!?!?!?

    But worse comes to worse, I can apply for the Birmingham magazine internship for the summer, too. It’s not nearly as good as having a 40 hour week experience, but it’s a heckuva lot better than just writing for the school paper. And if I stayed here this summer, I might be able to graduate by August. Maybe.

    Is this real, or am I dreaming?

    Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

    With the dawning of this new year, my heart has been jumping through a series of hoops. 2004 is full of promise (shouldn’t each new year be?) But with those opportunities come risks.

    My little heart is on the line – in so many ways. I feel vulnerable, as I am repeatedly opening myself up to rejection. Ten days into the year, I’m looking down the road and quietly panicking.

    With every story I write for the paper, I worry that I’ve lost my touch. I’m a wreck until I see my words in print or receive a word of affirmation from my editor. Each note from an interview is meticulously filed away. Should a source bring a lawsuit against me, I want to have as much evidence on my side as possible. My new digital voice recorder offers me increased confidence in the accuracy of my quotes. Yeah, I’m a features writer – I’m not writing particularly controversial pieces. Still…

    At one o’clock each afternoon, I begin a series of trips to my mailbox. Until the postman delivers the day’s goods, I parade up and down the stairs of my building. I’ve applied to nine summer internships and received a response from only one. I’m confident that I’ll spend my summer in the city and with the paper that God sees as best — but I’m sure curious about which that will be. 😉 I’m anxious to see if that will be at a paper, or if I’ll be finishing up classes in Tuscaloosa. Graduating a bit earlier wouldn’t be so bad. My only fear there is that I won’t be good enough to get a job.

    I have to get a job, you see. Not only do I have to pay off these student loans, but I simply can’t imagine not working. I’m in this field because I’m passionate about writing. I walk through life scrawling out a mental script. As I move along in my education and continue to practice my craft, this desire only grows. It’s a yearning, if you will.

    Though it’s the foremost challenge on my mind, securing a summer internship isn’t the only hurdle ahead. My classes this semster are exciting (there’s a topic where I could ramble!), but my professors are challenging. If I can gain their approval, I’m in good shape. There’s a possibility of a spring internship on the horizon, and of course, I ultimately hope to have a job by December 31.

    I’ll admit that I sound neurotic. ::shrug:: So be it – sometimes I am. 🙂 I’m confident that each chance I’m taking is worthwhile.

    But I’m still scared. 🙂

    Holiday surprises

    Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

    A glass of wine as I unwind… laughter and bathroom humor around Thanksgiving dinner… a mini shopping spree with Mom… an empty spot at the dinner table… 21 pages of history on my laptop… and an email announcing a professor’s death… a heart to heart with Dad… watching my brother play video games… running into old classmates from high school… Thanksgiving isn’t always what you’d expect it to be.

    And it’s you I see but you don’t see me

    Posted on by Carla Jean Whitley

    Mmmm. It’s been ages since I’ve spent a weekend alone. Chris Martin is crooning at me from my television set as the rest of the band provides background. A bottle of my favorite “low carb light beer” is perched atop my history notebook – an able coaster while I pause from this paper. (Lest you think me an alkie, it’s one drink. Any more than that when I’m alone leaves me worrying about myself. 😉 ) The aforementioned notebook is kept company by a host of library books. A stack of some 50-odd magazine and newspaper articles will soon join the party. My apartment is hoppin’ tonight. 😉

    Though this weekend promises to be slow, I think sometimes sacrificing a good time in favor of something else is worthwhile. For one, it’s not often that I have the apartment to myself at night. I don’t miss it, really, but I feel that I should take advantage anyway. A little CJ time never hurt anybody!

    More importantly, my intent is to invest my weekend in schoolwork. Yeah, I’m a stick in the mud. But besides authoring a brilliant paper that will examine the characteristics of journalists at the turn of the 20th century, I’m freeing myself up for the next week.

    On Tuesday evening, I’ll arrive in Jacksonville, Florida. This will be my first trip home in four months. I’d say it’s about dang time! Until now, I’ve never missed Jacksonville. When I moved away in August of ’99, I never looked back. Then, my only regret was that I was still in state. Now, I’m counting the days till I head back. Bring on that “wretched little town”! 😉

    I’ve grown quite a bit in the past four months. I was reflecting on this earlier today, and realized that I could probably utter those words after any given four month period and they’d be just as true. Still, this is a natural time for reflection. I’m not the same girl today as I was the last time I was in Jacksonville – nor do I think I’ll be the girl I am now on my next visit.

    Growth is a beautiful thing. (And on that note… back to the history paper.)