I need a hug.
Not for any big reason — no crazy nights resulting in tears and driving around town for an hour tonight. (I wouldn’t be home already if that were the case. 🙂 )
I’m just tired, a little burnt out, plenty stressed. …and at the same time, I’m bordering on optimistic, feeling a little ambitious and itching to put down roots. (Well, one- to three-year deep roots, but roots nonetheless.)
I’m not sure if some of those emotions are contradictory, but that’s where I am today.
This sort of day reminds me a big of graduate school. And isn’t it weird that these memories are far enough gone that I feel justified in calling them memories?
I’ve spent the day thus far idly listening to music, occasionally instant messaging friends, making coffee and reading. Later I’ll go in to work, but it feels just like the days when all I had were night classes.
My front porch now overlooks downtown Tuscaloosa instead of downtown Northport, and it’s too hot to haul my laptop outside to write. Besides, my computer isn’t as reliable now as it was this time two years ago.
Two years ago.
Where has the time gone? I’m too young to think life is speeding by, but sometimes it sure feels that way.
Two years ago I attended orientation at UA (on crutches), then began classes and met people with whom I’m still friends. I decorated my apartment with my new roommate and spent my days jotting down my thoughts, when I wasn’t in class (and let’s be honest — often when I was!).
And now I guess I’m a professional. That didn’t strike me as odd until I realized that this is the first fall in 20 years that I won’t be going to school.
I told Philip the other day that I’m a little bit jealous of him. I don’t want (or need) another degree, but I loved being a graduate student. And isn’t it weird that I spent so much effort rushing to get my bachelor’s only to love the years I spent in grad school?
I actually keep some of my grad school texts on my bedroom shelves. I kind of miss studying. (I even spent part of the morning reading a newspaper design book.) Philip has promised to keep me posted on how much work he’s doing so I can kill the urge to enroll … but I still think that if I ever get a job that offers tuition reimbursement, I’ll find a way to put it to use.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7
I’ve been all over the place, emotionally, in the last few weeks. I guess that’s kind of keeping with my personality; my best friend has been really into this Myers-Brigg personality stuff lately, and I am such a feeler. My emotions run deep and sometimes drive me more than they ought.
So I guess it’s kind of normal, for me, to experience these extreme (though not manic) highs and lows. I was freaking out several days ago about work, and now I feel like I could stick it out a few months.
I guess it’s just that, even with all my stress, I’ve begun to feel that this is somewhere I could stay for a while. I feel like I’m really connecting with a few friends and just having a generally fun time with others. I’m starting to develop a sense of community, and that’s desperately important to me. I love that even some of my newer friends will call when they’re worried and offer hug-like thoughts from miles away. I’m optimistic about church, though it’s early yet.
What I’m saying is that, although I don’t know what to expect from week to week, I feel like I fit in west central Alabama. I’ve got at least a dozen people who really care about me in an 80 mile radius, and that warms my heart (cheesy as it sounds). I get a little scared, and I don’t know where I’m going, but I know that He — and you! — will still be there.
And all today’s uncertainties
And all of my impatience
Will just be flecks of color
In the picture that He’s painting
–Tara Leigh Cobble
I definitely just scrubbed my ankle with nail polish remover.
I swear I’m sane.
I have lots of twentysomething uncertain insecure happy-go-lucky arrogant confused thoughts running through my head. While I attempt to sort them out, I’ll leave you with a few lines from one of my favorite John Mayer songs. (I am still obsessed with this song, more than three years after I first fell in love with it. I really REALLY want to go to Oak Mountain today instead of going to work.)
(Hmmm. Anyone wanna go stomp around on Oak Mountain this weekend?)
So what, so I’ve got a smile on
But it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don’t believe me
When I say I’ve got it down
Everybody is just a stranger but
That’s the danger in going my own way
I guess it’s the price I have to pay
Still “everything happens for a reason”
Is no reason not to ask myself
Am I living it right?
I don’t have much to say. I just really wanted to use that subject line. 🙂
I had a good, albeit exhausting and discombobulated, day. I switched from reporting to the copy desk this week. (For those of you non-journalists, that means instead of writing, I’m editing for style and grammar as well as designing pages.) The hours are 2:30 – 11:30 p.m., so when I woke up this morning, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. Somewhere along the way I’ve become a morning person, so right now my poor little body is utterly confused.
But a cup of coffee (O’Henry’s African roast) brought me to life. I had lunch with Kate at Cobblestone – it was good to get to know her a little more and to talk about all sorts of things, past and present and possibly future. Hopefully we can do that again. I think we have a lot in common!
Then it was back to work. I am enjoying learning all this stuff, but wow oh wow, I’m exhausted right now. It doesn’t help that I’ve had tummy problems all day, either. 😛 In any case, I think my pages for tomorrow look lovely, even if no one else will pay them any mind.
They’re already asking me if I want to stay on the copy desk permanently (and already realizing that my heart is really in writing). I mean, it’s hard to say after only two nights… but the hours are not my style, how do you have a life outside the newsroom? How do you have friends who have normal jobs? I don’t get that. But this is definitely something I want to learn… I just don’t anticipate falling in love with it. I mean, I’ve been obsessed with writing for almost 15 years.
Crappy crap crap. I just realized I can’t go to RMC on Sunday. I have to WORK.
For now, I think I’ll drift to sleep with the sounds of RMC in my ears…
“How full of doubts I live, though full of grace thou art”
I spent a lot of time this weekend with two of my favorite Florida State alumni, and a good deal of that time was spent discussing what we (well, what one of us) want out of life. Heather is trying to decide what’s next for her (besides living in Starkville), and in doing that she’s weighing how those options affect “the rest of her life” — marriage, kids, that kind of thing.
It’s hard to plan around something that you don’t have, though.
Anyway, that got me thinking — what do I want out of my life? That’s a hard question to answer at 24… sometimes I still feel like a little kid! But here’s a laundry list of things that crossed my mind:
Marriage (someday)
A kid or two
A pug (Emma needs a playmate)
Maybe write a book (non-fiction)
Learn how to play guitar
Get a job in Birmingham (that’s on the list to do within the next five years)
Visit a total of 25 states before I turn 25 (I’m at 21 and I have 11 months and two weeks to go… anyone up for a road trip?)
Buy a house and paint the kitchen red
Learn how to grill (although my current method of making guys do it has proven successful in the past)
Freelance enough to actually make a little bit of money off of it
Go to another country
Enjoy my career — and I won’t be any more specific than that at this point, ’cause I don’t really know where it’s going
Buy a kayak or canoe
Go back to Arizona
Develop deep relationships with fellow believers (that’s sort of a continual thing)
Take dance classes
Fully enjoy my 20s for all they’re worth, crazy as they seem (that’s a short term goal all right!)
Learn about national politics enough to make informed decisions
Visit my parents more often
Learn how to diagram a sentence
Put money into a 401(k)
See my little brother grow up (I like watching my sisters grow up too, but they’re a LOT closer in age to me!)
…I think that’s enough goals for now…
I left my parents’ house in 1999, and never once have I been nostalgic for Jacksonville. I wish my parents lived closer to me, of course. (Mom just can’t seem to convince Dad that Birmingham is the place to be!) But I left that city without a glance back.
It seems strange, then, that visiting Birmingham feels like coming home. I realize my roots here don’t run deep — I lived in the ‘ham only eight months before moving back to Disgustaloosa. I don’t have the sort of network of friends here that I have in other places (that is, ridiculously deep and connected).
But man, does it feel good to be back, even for a weekend.
I went to a Barons game last night, just for something different. (We got our butts kicked, but that’s another subject I think.) Then I spent today at coffee shops — three of them, actually. My aunt and I took up space in a couple different Starbucks, then I had some much valued CJ-time at O’Henry’s.
Then it was to my much-missed, dearly-loved RMC for church. I’ve enclosed the prayer we used for confession at the end here… it was like a punch to the stomach. Oof.
I watched daylight fade to dusk on the deck of this amazing house atop one of the “mountains” in town, then spent the next hour transfixed by the city lights and enjoying conversation of friends as it swirled about me. It was so good to see my community group again, to get caught up on what’s happening in people’s lives and to just hang out. I love those guys!
As I sit now in my old room at my grandmother’s house, I feel kind of like I’ve returned to my high school bedroom. I know I was way out of high school when I lived here, and like I said, it wasn’t for that long… but it’s just comfortable, y’know? A lot of my stuff is here — I’ll even be sleeping on my own sheets tonight!
I don’t know where I’m going, only from where I’ve come… and it is a road lined with fond memories and friendships, even amid the potholes and confusion. My God is good.
Our Father, though we take your name on our lips, our hearts are far from you. The words we speak are untrue. When we say “yes,” we don’t mean “yes,” and when we say “no,” we don’t mean “no.” We like to think well of ourselves, and yet we are finding that our hearts are laced with self-protection, malice and deceit. O Lord, for the sake of your name, do not remember us according to our sins, but according to your great love.
I’m in a good mood today.
It’s funny, or perhaps pathetic, how much circumstances really affect my mood. It hasn’t been that long since I was keeping track of my mood in my planner, since I discussed how a day can go quickly sour for no apparent reason. And, okay, I know I still have those days. I think I always will, I think it’s just part of being the slightly-insane CJ that I am.
Lately, those days have come most frequently on the weekends. I get lonely sometimes, you know? But I’ve done a very good job of staying busy over the past couple of weeks. The other night I was on the phone with my friend Josh, who also just moved to a new place, and we celebrated the fact that we both have weekend plans. We were very proud of ourselves for not being complete losers. 🙂
I exaggerate, I know. I don’t actually think I’m a loser (well, maybe I do one day out of each year–but not in general).
But as I was saying, today is a good day. I’m on day two of a four day weekend, and that feels awfully nice. I didn’t do much of anything yesterday. I was going to be productive, but I ended up having coffee with Jordan instead. Then last night I stayed home alone with my cat and the dog and just relaxed. I cleaned my room, did some laundry, read a bit… it was nice.
Today, and probably the rest of the weekend, won’t be so low-key. I’m going to the lake with some work friends this afternoon, then to BIRMINGHAM (like that’s unusual!) for some baseball this evening. (Watching, not playing. Of course.)
And just in case you forgot, my birthday is Tuesday.
I might write something coherent soon… but today I’m just in a stream-of-consciousness rambling state of mind.
I’ve become pretty crap about actually talking about how I feel or what’s going on inside my mind. My standard response as of late has been, “Oh, I’ve just been working.” And y’know, that’s part true–work has consumed most of my waking hours and thoughts over the past six weeks. But that’s really another story.
Seriously though, the other night I was in a room of people who were discussing church and what they’d been thinking about to that end recently. And I had thoughts to share but I decided not to. Why? I’m not really sure why, except I guess I kind of thought, “Well, I just met them, maybe they don’t care what I think.” But that’s really stupid because they’re nice girls and generally if you’re talking about something, don’t you want to hear what other people have to say on the matter? (I guess it could also be because I was pretty tired. 🙂 )
I was thinking about all of this last night while I was driving home from the outlet mall in Bessemer. (Again, that’s another story. I’m not really sure why I went, since I didn’t buy anything. But drive time is good thinking time.) For some reason as I was walking to my car, I nearly burst into tears. I was reminiscing on things that happened several years ago and I just got emotional.
When I got to my car, I let the tears flow and I popped in a Caedmon’s mix I made years and years ago. (Well… actually, about the time I was thinking about that got me crying in the first place. Which, by the way, doesn’t make any sense. Do you ever cry without knowing why? I do, about one day a month, so I’m pretty comfortable with it. Sometimes you just need a good cry I guess!)
So there I was, flying down I-20/I-59 with tears alternately pouring down my cheeks and drying up, depending on which song was on. I listened to “Somewhere North” for the first time in AGES and it made me BAWL. I hate that song for that reason, it always makes me sad. By the time I got to “Thy Mercy” and “I Boast No More” I was grinning like a maniac…
Because the truth is, I try to be perfect, and really my motivation is because I want CJ to be perfect. It has very little to do with God. But He accepts me even in my self-righteousness and pride and stubborness. I think I can make it on my own, which is probably why I go through these phases where I refuse to talk about my emotions. But I can’t, because I pretty well suck on my own. Okay, I guess it depends on who you’re comparing me to; I’m not a “horrible person,” but stacked up next to Jesus I’m pretty crap. (Why do I use that word so much? It’s so ugly! But it fits here.)
I’m not sure why I’m vomiting all this in an online journal, because while I was doing all this thinking last night, I thought “maybe I should tell people what I’m thinking/feeling instead of saving it for a long blog post.” But I’m home alone this weekend and so here I go anyway. I think I’m going to try to stop doing this, though. Well. Not that I’ve been doing it that much lately anyway.
Okay, and I’m going to leave you with these lyrics, because this is where I am today. And I don’t care that it’s a country song sung by an American Idol contestant. I LOVE IT. So there.
Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I’m just sleepwalkin’
Through my life
It’s like I’m swimming through
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Goin numb inside
I dont like who I’m becomin’
I know I’ve gotta do somethin’
Before my life passes right by
I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin’
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin’
Fight with the devil and go down swingin’
Fly like a bird,roll like a stone
Love like I aint afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I’ve spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I’m in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air im breathin’
And know that I’m alive
Somethin deep inside
Keeps sayin
Life is like a vapor
Its gone in just a blink of an eye
I want to take every
Breath I can get
I want to live