Comfort food: Gyros and french fries at Purple Onion with a book before church
Comfort music: Hymns, particularly The Gadsby Project
Comfort cuddle: with my cat (hey, I’m single! Shut up!)
Comfort clothes: Gray sweatpants and obnoxious orange Virginia Tech T-shirt
Comfort reading: Cooking for Mr. Latte by Amanda Hesser
Comfort drinking: Anything hot in a mug. Coffee, latte, herbal tea, hot chocolate, whatever.
Comfort location: Either an empty apartment or O’Henry’s
I start to think about the consequences because I don’t get no sleep in a quiet room
I’ve been on more first dates this summer than the rest of my life, combined. I’ve learned a lot about what I don’t want, and some about what I do. And I’ve learned a bit about myself in the process — about allowing myself to get excited about someone, and allowing myself to want to date. I’ve learned about some insecurities and I think realized the causes behind them. I’ve had some hard conversations and I’ve done my share of flirting.
That’s a lot to come from a handful of dates. And it’s probably worth more than each cup of coffee and every price of admission.
Derek Webb’s words in “Love is Different” are starting to ring a little less true. (“I don’t know what I want, but at least I know that much.”) I’m not positive that what I want and what I need are the same thing, but I’m starting to get a better idea of who it is I’m waiting for.
“You know what I want in a woman, Paul?”
“What’s that?”
“A friend. A true friend, someone who knows me and loves me anyway. You know, like when I’m through putting my best foot forward, she’s still there, still the same. I meet these people and it’s all conditional, like you were saying. They are in it for themselves. They are friends with you because you fit the image they want to portray. It’s a selfish thing. Do you know what I mean? I’d like to get a girl who doesn’t think like that. Don’t get me wrong. She’s got to be proud of her husband, I know that. I don’t mind trying to make it easy on her in that way. But all in all, there’s got to be some sort of soul mate thing going on. That’s gonna take work, I think. There are some people in this world who love their spouse becasue they provide them with the life they want, and there are others who love their spouse just because they’ve chosen to, or because love has chosen them, or whatever. Something way back endeared one to the other and they made a decision to lock into it.”
Don Miller, “Through Painted Deserts”
Protected: Now Mary, she’s got everything she thought she ever wanted
I know the burnout rate is high in my profession, but that didn’t use to bother me. I figured the people who grew bitter and cynical just couldn’t hack it in this business.
I never claimed not to be naiive.
Now that rate frightens me because I’ve realized I could be part of that number. I’m a year in, and already I struggle with living to work instead of vice-versa. I only work 25 hours a week, but I feel a slave to my job.
You know what scares me even more than the possibility of going a different route, of holding a $25,000 degree that I may not use for the rest of my life? I am terrified to think that the problem could be me.
I’m not going to give up journalism easily, if at all. Even if I decide newspapers aren’t for me, there are other possibilites. I’m not the most disciplined person, and I want to stick this out for a while – because it would be good for me.
But it would also be good for me to admit that there could be other options.
I’ve been here before and I deserve a little more
The thing about this form of communication is that sometimes I feel the urge to write, even the urge to write publicly, but I don’t want to write about what’s really on my mind. And so I end up either rambling about something completely irrelevant or making vague-y vaguerton posts. Which is maybe passive-aggressive, but it’s fun. You never know just who is reading and how much you want them to know …
I am still obsessed with the idea of running away. I am probably talking/thinking about it too much …
When everybody loves you, son, that’s just about as funky as you can be
Tickets I wish I could afford:
John Mayer & Sheryl Crow
Counting Crows & Goo Goo Dolls
Alabama football
Florida State football
Tickets that I’m going to buy anyway:
Nickel Creek (since, y’know, I’ve never seen them before)
Alabama vs. either Duke or Miss State … OK, neither team is going to be super-exciting, but I promised to take my cousin to a game, and I’m going to take one of my co-workers too. Neither of them have ever been to an Alabama game! (In fact, the co-worker has never been to ANY college game. Katherine probably hasn’t either, but she’s only 16 so that’s a little more understandable!)
Current obsessions:
The kick-ass version of “Mr. Jones” from “Across a Wire”
“Films About Ghosts” by the Counting Crows, with the exception of “Big Yellow Taxi.” I like Joni Mitchell and all, but I just can NOT get into that song.
“Mary May and Bobby” by Joe Purdy
“Leave the Pieces” by The Wreckers
Adobe eyeshadow from Origins
My planner. It’s good for a little OCD girl.
And, y’know, daydreaming.
After all the dreaming, I come home again
Somehow it’s worked out that the only weddings I’m actually attending in 2006 are those that I’m really excited about. (I’m also a bridesmaid in all of them.) The second of those three is this weekend, and while I’m thrilled to see the bride and groom finally united in holy matrimony, I’m also really, really excited to see bunches of friends.
That’s got basically nothing to do with the fact that love and marriage have been on my mind lately (and in that order). What I realized in all of this daydreaming is that while I’m totally opposed to the idea of “settling” any time soon, I am not at all against the notion of running around the world with somebody else. (In fact, I kind of like the idea of finding someone who would be up for leaving the country for extended periods of time, even though it doesn’t maybe make sense.)
On the other hand, I’m still very good at being single. 🙂
I am seriously considering doing something crazy, though. Of course, by the time I take action, it’ll be a carefully thought-out and sensible plan. This means I’ll probably wait until summer-ish 2008 to do anything, although I am also open to January 2007. I kind of wish I had it in me to just be foolish, but I’m probably better off being me.
One thing I’ve learned lately is that I’m living and working here too soon. Or rather, I think maybe I’m here at the right time, because I’m learning that it’s the wrong time. I love this city, and it’s absolutely the kind of place where I could settle (we’re back to that notion) and raise a family. It’s just that I’m nowhere near ready to settle! I want to see so much and meet people who aren’t like me (even more of them than I know now) and see the world outside my sweet Southern bubble.
I’ve got the daydreaming bug, but as a friend said this weekend, maybe sometimes you need those daydreams to keep you going.
I want to be Bob Dylan
… just because it’s fun to sit on the couch and write pointless blog entries when it’s raining outside and your host is cleaning house. That’s a nice, random Saturday afternoon.
It goes round and it goes round again
Tonight I really want to sit in bed, wearing my gray sweatpants, with a book and a glass of wine or – ooh! – a mug of herbal tea. (Tea would be perfection.) I don’t feel like socializing with anyone but my cat.
But y’know, when these worky social opportunities come up, they’re worth taking. Even if I only hang around for maybe one beer. It’s 9:30 and I’m ready for sleep.
Locking doors, salting sores
So today I heard a door close. Slam, really. And loudly.
And … I think it’s a good thing, because closed doors make it way easier to move on. As much as I don’t like it, I’m realizing lately that I am really one of those “bigger, better” types, always looking for the next best thing.
I’m learning, though.
Someday I’ll fly, someday I’ll soar
So I have this problem lately with daydreaming. I thought it was something that would end after I left my last job, but maybe it’s something that I have to actually take action toward. Not now … but someday.
I want to travel. I want to do more than sit and write from my relatively comfortable Alabama life. I want to … sit and write in Europe. Or Mexico. Or somewhere completely random and crazy.
I know that’s not going to happen right now. It doesn’t need to. Right now, I am living and working and paying bills here, and that’s as it should be.
But I think I might need to get up and run off somewhere random before I get over this. Or maybe it’s just part of being in my 20s. 🙂