Guidebooks for the grieving

Sometimes a book virtually calls out to me from a bookstore shelf. I’ll find myself drawn to it on multiple visits. It might be something new and prominently displayed, but just as often, I’ll spot a previously unknown-to-me title sandwiched between dozens of other books. Sometimes it’s the spine, sometimes it’s the title, but somehow, books can find me in the right moment.

After my dad died in late 2019, I picked up “The Grief Recovery Handbook” every time I visited my local bookstore, Thank You Books. I wasn’t convinced I needed another book on grief. (You can tell how that’s worked out for me.) But after one of the store’s owners, Elizabeth Goodrich, commented that it was a sort of pastoral and therapeutic gold standard recommendation, I took the book home.

Much of The Grief Library is memoir and fiction that provides companionship for the mourning journey. But we often crave a more direct guide, as well. Here are two I’ve explored.

My defining grief experiences have been death related, and that’s what motivated me to pick up this book. Losing one third of my nuclear family in less than three years radically changed me and my family of origin. I thought this book might be a tool for processing that loss.

It is. But it’s also much more.

We experience many sources of grief throughout our lives: death, yes, but also divorce or the end of other romantic relationships, friendships that conclude, job loss and more. John W. James and Russell Friedman share their own experiences—the death of a child, two divorces, bankruptcy—and guide grievers through a process they’ve shared with thousands of people.

“The Grief Recovery Handbook” is full of guidance the authors have developed during decades of work with The Grief Recovery Institute. And it stands out in my reading by offering actionable advice.

Though I initially bought this book to reflect on my dad’s death, I actually worked through its process with regard to a friendship I’d chosen to end. It merits repeat visits as other sources of grief arise in life; I’d probably benefit from returning to it to help me process and heal from a recent relationship. I’ll be frank: Sometimes I felt hokey as I completed the homework assignments in the text. But they guided me through reflecting on the end of a friendship, and the book also offers tips on how to discuss the assignments with a grieving partner. “The Grief Recovery Handbook” is a 200-ish page companion for a difficult but essential path toward healing.

Sibling death is a peculiar kind of grief. You may not be conscious of it, but we typically expect our siblings to be companions throughout our lives. They hold memories that mirror our own. When they’re gone, it’s like losing part of our personal history.

My sister Cristin was 14 months younger than me. We moved through childhood, our teen years and early adulthood side by side. As much as I love my two younger siblings, their developmental years didn’t parallel mine the way Cristin’s did. Her death reshaped my experience of the world.

I’m sorry to say that sibling death is a tie I’ve found in common with several friends and coworkers in the years since Cristin died. It’s helpful to know we’re not alone. This is a type of grief people don’t expect to face in their 20s and 30s. When it first came for me, I didn’t have any guides to walk alongside me.

So I jumped to review “Always A Sibling” before its 2024 publication. A sibling’s death can be “profoundly disorienting,” as Annie Sklaver Orenstein writes. “Losing a sibling requires us to learn a new language. In grief one becomes a widow, not a wife; an orphan, not a daughter; but there is no name for us.” People will ask how many siblings I have, and I’ll respond “three, two living.” Often I find myself having to comfort the person who asked because they don’t know how to respond to my loss.

Like “The Grief Recovery Handbook,” “Always A Sibling” provides some practical guidance for moving through grief. But more than anything, it can help those of us who have outlived siblings see that we aren’t alone. Our disorienting grief and confusion are normal responses to this particular loss. And no matter who remains, we are always siblings.

Are there resources you’ve found useful to refer to in your grief? I’m always on the lookout. “Entering the Healing Ground: The Wild Edge of Sorrow Official Workbook–Reflections, Rituals, and Meditations for Grief and Renewal” by Francis Weller with Bevin Donahue is on my radar. What’s on yours?

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