A guest post by Brian T. Murphy, author of worstweblogintheworld.
I was recently visiting my friends at the birmingham magazine, talking about life and the gods and how awesome the loft district is, when carla jean (henceforth referred to as CJ because “carla jean” is exactly 1 syllable longer than any reasonable person would ask you to pronounce for a first name) walked up, talking about how awesome she was.
I was totally like ?whoa?what?s gotten into CJ ? she?s totally talking about how awesome she is.?
We were talking about how so many of our friends have so much stuff going on, dealing with hard life issues, like some of mine are trying to decide which new gulfstream to buy, and which caribbean island they will vacate on, and some of her friends have totally lost feet due to the malaria strain, and another is still bleeding internally from when CJ kicked her in the pancreas.
And so the conversation inevitably came to how hard it is, dealing with having so many friends, what to do with them all, what to do with a growing list of people requesting friendship that you just simply aren?t sure you can fit in with your already bustling lifestyle.
And so I have developed this list of parameters which you must consider prior to suggesting / considering friendship with CJ:
1. you must hate books. CJ is obviously a snobby book person who would prefer to read in the rain rather than enjoy live music from living legends such as stevie wonder ? but this does not mean that she wants her friends to also be snobby book people. In fact, if you read, or are even literate, CJ probably hates you.
2. you must love contemporary christian music, especially contemporary christian music with lots of synthesizer sounds.
3. you must go to coffee shops with CJ, but instead of drinking coffee, you must pour the coffee over your head and then lick it off your clothes. bonus points for eating your clothes. point deduction for eating CJ’s clothes.
4. you must, while canoeing with CJ, remind her how dreadfully boring canoeing is. remind her that the only thing that could make canoeing interesting would be if you fell out of your canoe, were eaten by a poisonous water snake, drowned in a heavy current, and then saved by carla jean, via lasso rope around your leg, or neck. or, if while canoeing, a battle took place underwater with submarines which shot laser beams at eachother and you could watch the entire thing because your canoe had a glass bottom. or, if monkeys rained down from the sky, because that makes everything interesting, and people generally like monkeys very much.
5. you must talk about how awesome CJ is at all times.
6. you must possess full knowledge of the ryan adams catalogue, and unfortunately, you must also be familiar with nickel creek, even though nickel creek blows.
7. you must feign interest in college athletics, specifically football. (snore)
8. if you see somebody CJ does not like, you must kick them in the pancreas. you must do this even if you like the person very much. one time I saw a woman kick her own mother in the pancreas just so that CJ might be friends with her. It didn’t work, and the mother ended up not making it (sad story). CJ said “if you really wanted to be my friend, you would have put a little more effort – a little more *gusto* – in your pancreas kick. sorry I’m just not convinced that you are serious about this relationship.”
9. you must submit, in writing, a request for friendship (RFF), no longer than 350 words. describe how awesome you are. then describe how awesome CJ is. then apologize for ever suggesting how awesome you are. include photograph (if you are male, preferably shirtless). include deposit check for $1,000. for expedited consideration (and more bonus points) include a deposit check for $5,000.
Once approved for friendship, you will be placed on a 90-day probation period, during which time monthly installments of $500 are due by the 5th of the month. At the conclusion of the probation period, monthly payments are reduced to $450 per month, and it is at this point that you may begin speaking to CJ. If monthly payments are made in a timely manner over a period of two years, you will be placed into a pool of contestants eligible to receive direct eye contact with CJ. Remember to never initiate direct eye contact, but once CJ initiates, you are free to reciprocate.
Also, for extra bonus points, kill cats and make stew out of them and serve them to CJ on special occasions. specifically, make stew out of CJ’s cats.
because CJ loves cat stew.