I have seen you at your worst and I still love you when you’re down

I started a new journal a few weeks ago. That used to be a pretty common occurence (as evidenced by the 14 journals scattered across my bedroom floor, all from the last five years), but this was my first new journal in almost two years.

When I inked my first words into these leather bound pages, I was sitting in a familiar coffee shop. I guess it’s been almost three years since I worked on a journal entry in that place. The memory is still dear, though… I remember sitting between two friends, writing while they studied… with bellies full of barbecue.

I began my newest journal at a table with two different friends, one old and one new. As I wrote, I wondered how much I’ve really changed in the elapsed time. Though I live in a different city in a different state, I was back in that coffee shop. I’m still friends with several of the people I was with that night years ago. I’m still clueless about what’s next in life.

But the more I thought, the more I realized I have changed in the (almost) three years since I graduated from college. I guess that’s part of why I ended up with these journals scattered across my room tonight. I’ve been flipping through their pages, recalling the over-excited girl I was and comparing her to the woman I’m becoming. (There is no excuse for three exclamation points in a sentence, ever.)

Some of the changes probably aren’t so great–I’m definitely more prone to cynicism now than then. But I’m also more prone to realism. I’m more likely to be honest about my struggles (and I’m more likely to punctuate a sentence correctly).

(My finances were better off when I was an undergrad, though. I thought it was supposed to be the opposite way around?)

I wish the changes were more obvious… I wish I was certain that I’ve lost that chip I carried on my shoulder after I graduated… but on days like today, I’m not quite convinced. When I’m discouraged, though, it’s comforting to look at the journals that hold my story, the friends who have remained by my side (or left and come back or appeared somewhere in the meantime) even when I’m at my worst.

And it’s comforting to know that God has a history of coming through for his people, even when they screwed up… and that he’s opened his promises to even me.

7 Comments

Filed under Autobiography, Faith, Insecurity, Reasons why

7 Responses to I have seen you at your worst and I still love you when you’re down

  1. alisa

    I want to know, anyone else have THAT may journals as Carla? I cant see myself having more than say 8 over the past 5 years – and thats a high guess. I will go count later.

  2. I have never journaled for any length of time in print. 🙂

  3. Amen and amen to the coolness of knowing the faithful God. 🙂 And I’m with Geof (even more than Alisa) – I’ve paper-journalled (journaled?) for two, maybe three, extended periods of time in my life, filled a quarter of one book, and am working on another quarter of a second. I hear that all of the truly great men through history kept regular journals, though, so I’m attempting to turn this last one into a full book. 😛

  4. Joyce

    I think I am somewhere in the 20s with the journal.

    Carla,I loved this entry…I miss hearing your heart regularly.

    Who were those two friends? And what was the coffee shop?

    I miss you!

  5. Haha, a (unrelated to this post) quote for you that I found… You’ll like this 🙂

    “Southern girls are God’s gift to the entire male population. There is absolutely no woman finer than one raised below the Mason-Dixon line, and once you go southern, may the good Lord help you, you never go back.”
    -Kenny Chesney

  6. Rick Palma

    Hi Carla, this is a note of hello from an unknown brother. I came across your blog site, and I appreciated your writings, and I thought you might like reading a word of fellowship. I started working on a journal last year, and I thought it a good work of testimony or praise of the covenant, showing my progresses and also my struggles in being confessional to Christ. I hope your journal works will be a blessing for you in confidence in the Lord and His love. I’d be glad to be a friend and chat down the road if you’d like. I hope this finds you well.

  7. My, my, CJ – eleven days now and no update? Tsk, tsk. *You’re* one to prod. 😉

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