I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I was listening to The Joshua Tree while I was getting ready this afternoon (yes, I’ve been lazy this weekend) and I thought, “If I were ever to run a personal ad, that would have to be my headline.” And then I realized how odd that thought was. Why on earth would I ever run a personal ad?

Every so often I realize I’m dissatisfied with my life. It seems to happen on a cycle of sorts… maybe it’s every two years. I’m not sure. In any case, I wake up one day with “Why Georgia” sentiments on the mind, and it takes a lot to shake it.

I think it might be ’cause I’m a little bit crazy.

This sense of dissatisfaction took root during spring of my senior year at FSU. I made several attempts to shake it: I convinced a couple of friends to skip class and go hiking in Georgia with me. (For the record, that remains one of my favorite days of my life. I was very satisfied.) I decided not to accept the job I had lined up and started applying to grad school instead. (Ask me sometime about my GRE experience. It was one of the most disgusting moments of my young life.) I spent a summer in California. And eventually, I picked up and moved to Alabama.

It was a good move. I was ready to leave Tallahassee. I don’t know why, but when it’s time, you know it. Though the transition to Alabama was hard (I still don’t think I’m settled there), I knew it was where I needed to be.

Well, I’ve got the itch again, and I don’t know what to do about it. Quite frankly, I don’t know that I need to do anything about it.

We’ll just call it senioritis, though I didn’t know that was an option in graduate school.

In any case, I’ve found myself longing for FSU over the past couple of weeks. More accurately, I’ve been reminiscing about FSU in the Spring of 2002. I have no interest in moving back to Tallahassee, thankyouverymuch. I actually like Birmingham very much, despite its pollution and my lack of employment.

You know what I think it is? I miss the community. I remember my final week as an undergrad… it was filled with precious moments with what were then dear friends. My only all-nighter of my college career took place that week, and involved BBQ ribs, fountain swimming, Playdoh, popsicles, John Mayer and Risk. I passed the hours the following night at a coffee shop while I wrote, curled up between two friends on an old couch. I remember calling a close friend to cry while I was on my way to a graduation party. I was surrounded, both literally and figuratively, by people who loved me.

That’s not the case anymore. I can’t downplay the importance of long distance friends–many of my favorite people live far, far away. But neither can I ignore the value of friendships in the city where I reside.

There’s no easy solution. I don’t even know if I’ll be in Birmingham for longer than a month or two. I’ve got to keep pushing, even though I don’t really want to. And maybe eventually I’ll find a few people who appreciate my special brand of crazy. 🙂


Filed under General, Insecurity

6 Responses to I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

  1. alisa

    Way to good. You got my thinking.

  2. alisa

    and by good I mean go.

  3. Meg

    That’s the only thing I miss about the dorms – friends on hand 24/7. But now as a grad student living off campus, I have few original friends left, and those who are are as busy as I am. I’m missing friends and that love which is creeping into my spiritual life (or hitting it like a mack truck, whatever), all of which is leaving me like you, disatisfied. Lately I’ve been envisioning May (the long awaited yet much feared date) and it makes me want to cry. I had been anxious to move on, but now my heart is screaming, “wait!” Blast it all, haha.

  4. TallyPhil

    I’m totally a part of at least 2 of those memories. Rock on!

  5. i was listening to the song, “i still haven’t found what i’m looking for” by damien rice, searching for the lyrics to an addition to the song.. and i came across your page. i can’t help but comment. i know the exact feeling you’re speaking of… you said you felt so rewarded when you got up and went with what you wanted to do (hike in georgia)… i think so often the solution to our endless itching inside is to scratch! to go with what we know we’re anxious to do. maybe take a trip to visit some of those long-distance friends… revisit that comfortability of community that’s stumbled far away.
    i’m inclined to wish you good luck, but that wouldn’t be what i mean.. luck is such a silly thing to wish for a person to find. i wish you good decisions that fulfill your needs!

  6. amelia

    its funny how the world works, i too stumbled across this page when looking for the lyrics to the u2 cover by damien rice, thing is though, i got here because of rachaels comment
    is that luck?
    im not sure, but i needed to comment for the coincidence’s sake
    we’re all dissatisfied once in our lives
    and although mines two years later
    i feel the same


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