Are you strong enough to be my man?

“But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you fell in love with!”
–Chandler Bing in “The One with the Nap Partners”

I don’t know how it came up. Perhaps it was because relationships are a hot topic on summer projects. (This is “Campus Crusade for Couples,” after all.) But yesterday I found myself explaining my love of Chandler to my friend Daniel.

“I like guys who are a little bit of a jerk,” I said.

I couldn’t make him understand why that is, or even exactly what I meant by that. Then I realized that I wasn’t sure what those words signified.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pondering that statement. There’s a difference between a healthy dose of sarcasm and jerkiness, of course. So why did I phrase my thought in that way?

You know what I think it is? I have this stereotypical image of my Christian brothers. Those that actually date are gentle, soft beings – whether in my erroneous view or in reality. If they show interest in us (specifically in me), they must be weak.

What a ridiculous idea! Am I so afraid of fitting into some preconceived mold that I look down my nose at perfectly fine men? Are my standards so high that they’re unrealistic?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. The men who have been and who will be in my life often don’t fit the boxes I’m trying to draw. And what of the guys who do slip by my crazy ideas of what I want? How do my words reflect on them?

I don’t want to be what I mentally paint as a bland, cheesy Christian. I long to be someone who is making a difference, who is living. Somehow I want relationships that reflect that desire.

12 Comments

Filed under Faith, Love letters

12 Responses to Are you strong enough to be my man?

  1. Love that song… and how true it is… and per usual, I am in full agreement with your assessment of the opposite sex and whatever it is I’m looking for in a member of it 🙂

  2. mb

    Here’s what I’m thinking. You want a guy who is passionate about his life. Being passionate about something tends to mean a person has a very strong opinion about it and this can lead to the person coming off as a jerk when they are in disagreement with another person.

    As an example, you have a known stance that comes across as anti-fast food, which gets attributed to your so-called high maintenance. I don’t really think you are HM. You have opinions about things and you just happen to feel very strongly about those. In the case of fast food, most people don’t really care, but you do.

    I was thinking about instead of saying you are HM, saying you are just very opinionated, but I think the term strong willed maybe better. In terms of guys, there’s no way you want a guy who isn’t strong willed himself because you would in fact run the guy over so to speak. Does this mean you will have some major head butting once in a while? Heck yeah, but you desire that over a guy with little backbone.

  3. i think matt sort of hit it on the head. i think, since i’m very much the same way, that those softer, gentler personalities simply aren’t going to spark your interest. its just about who you are. you could probably date them, have a perfectly nice time, but that’s all it would be. there would be no fire. it’s not about being picky, its just about wanting, indeed NEEDING, someone who will turn the lights on inside of you.

  4. mb

    I do agree my example wasn’t the best, but it was what came to the top of my head at that time.

    Carla, what’s your opinion on guys who are shy? I ask because they could come off as lacking passion.

  5. This is something that confuses guys so bad. Especially “nice guys” who try not to be jerks. Girls just don’t seem to want our type. Every girl I know (pretty much) falls for a jerk. They know he’s a jerk…”but they still love him.” Ugh…nice guys finish last…

  6. Pingback: #website { design:matt; } » A long read: A light flickers

  7. mb

    Ok, I went and wrote about this on my own site and I think I have the issue of shyness down too. It would still be interesting to hear your side of things though.

  8. William

    You said: “Are my standards so high that they’re unrealistic?”

    My answer to you is: NO. Set your standards within God’s standards. No need to go higher; not wise to go lower. But stick with them. There’s a reason why people say that “Patience is a virtue.” But God honors patience.

  9. So much to say… so little time…!

    Matt – generally, I don’t like shy guys. They make good friends, but in my limited, not all-knowing experience, they aren’t guys I would date. I think I’m too much for them.

    Jordan – I’ll be the first to admit that women are confusing. I’m not afraid to say that I don’t make sense.

  10. TLC

    I miss you!!! 🙂

  11. This is a good post, Carla. I do know what you mean. I think there is big difference between a strong, Godly man, and a jerk. Tim and I disagree on things – not TERRIBLY often, but enough to make things interesting. I would never want a man who bows to my every whim all the time. I’m a lot to handle, and I know this. I don’t believe it making it more difficult on him either – “I’m going to be difficult, just to test you, just to see if you are strong enough to handle it.” (Not saying that you are doing that, I’m just saying there are girls who do that.)

    Are your standards so high that they are unrealistic? I’m not sure you’ve given us enough of what your standards are in this post. It’s possible. But William is right to say that if they are within God’s standards, they are fine. Its our job to figure out what that is.

    Some of the best advice I ever recieved is (and I may have told you before, but for the sake of others reading this): “Don’t find the right person, become the right person.” A lot of us get caught up in looking for the right guy, when instead that energy and time could be better spent cultivating hearts of passion for Christ (something I don’t always do well). Then, if we are called to be married, we’ll be ready to be the wives that our husbands need.

  12. memphis matt

    that’s a good point Michaela. Many people spend so much time and effort pondering what they want, who is right for them, and when will it finally happen…when they SHOULD be spending more time living their lives and let those other things take their own course. It’s really simple to explain but hard to understand. Men are complex, women are complex, that’s how it is, don’t analyze either one too much. Just know what you want in a mate, focus on your life and strive to be that same kind of person(hopefully the kind God wants you to be). For when you find that kind of person you’ll know that it’s right and it’ll last for a lifetime.

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