But that’s the broken place that’s where you are

Well, I was never less than perfectly happy without you
And I was never more inclined to stay on my own
But I guess the best surprises come when you’re not looking
‘Cause I was dying, but I never would have known

I know I’ve been quoting Tara Leigh Cobble (and in this case, Oliver Lollis) quite a bit lately, both in my blog and my away messages. There simply aren’t enough artists who sing about these screwed up relationship things from a Christian perspective!

Not that I’m in a relationship, mind you. I’m no where close! But I go through these cycles where I think about guys a lot, and right now I’m at the peak of another.

See, there’s a problem with this house that I’ve constructed
Fashioned carefully from all the strongest stones
‘Cause I see cracks in the walls I’ve never noticed
Ignore the crumbling as I try to live alone

This could be the theme song of my love life, only without anyone on the receiving end. I don’t know when I got so skeptical about men (though those of you who know the ex-boyfriend should know that it was long before he entered the scene). But sure enough, this is where I am.

You know what? I kind of like my “anti-swoony” attitude. I used to be the girl who daydreamed about marriage on a daily basis. I doodled my (future) kids’ names in the margins of my notebooks when I should have been paying attention to my Old Testament professor. (Sarah Grace and Caleb Joshua are my favorites, in case you were wondering. Joshua is the best name ever.) My closest friends and I would make bets on which of us would be the first down the aisle, and I often had the most votes.

And I said, “love is such a weakness, and it’s better not to fall,”
And I’ll admit, it’s satisfying to pretend that I am strong
You know, no one has accused me of not trying to know it all
But I’m finding that I’ve never been so wrong
For everyone but you

That girl disappeared somewhere along the line. I don’t know what (or who?) caused that, except perhaps a healthy dose of reality. Instead of daydreaming about wedding gowns, I’ve nearly gone to the opposite extreme. My attitude is now one of “I don’t need a man, and you’re crazy if you’re going to convince me otherwise.”

There’s a warm day once a week when winter’s ending
Bringing little bits of summer yet to come
It’s like those times that we’re together when it’s tempting
To take your hand instead of turn and run

There’s some truth to that. I don’t need a man. I’m happy to be a young, single Christian woman. I’m throwing a lot of effort toward starting a career, and I have some great friends for support. I have interests, I have hobbies, I have Jesus. I don’t have a boyfriend.

See, I could talk all night about how I’m so happy
But I’d be wasting words on things just halfway true
If real contentment is a constant, then I wonder
Why I often wish that I were holding you

There’s effects of that mentality. Despite the truth in it, my desire for independence is also rooted in doubts and insecurity. Therefore, if I find myself intrigued by a man, I’m quick to beat myself up for it. “It’ll never happen!” I tell myself. “You’re just being silly. Put that out of your mind.”

And you can call it what you want, and write it off as just temptation
Wear the single life and dress it to the nines
But those sweet freedom berries make a bitter glass to drink
When no one’s there to share with you the wine

I think that extreme may be just as bad as the other. Balance, please?

–Tara Leigh Cobble & Oliver Lollis, “Winter’s Ending”