I’m tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here

I wonder if my cynicism toward romance is rooted in personal insecurity.

One of my favorite ‘love songs’ by John Mayer neatly sums up my feelings on the subject:

Sitting home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love (or lack thereof)
After all the crushes have faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded, I hate it

I’m facing an inner struggle that I’m not certain I can resolve. I don’t believe that I am loveable, that a fallible human being could truly care for me.

Oh, but I do long for that manifestation of my Heavenly Father’s love for me! It is too tempting to push the notion of love away ‘ to determine that I’ll never fall for it. A life as a career woman wouldn’t be so bad.

But to set myself firmly against a gift that my Lord could hold in store for me is less than holiness demands. My deepest desire is to be made holy, to be perfected.

The idea still frustrates me. I have been the initiator in the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve never dated a guy who not only brought out the best in me, but challenged me to grow spiritually. (In fact, they’ve all done just the opposite!)

I dream of being pursued. I refuse to settle for less. Too often, my type A personality rears its manipulative head. The temptation to control relationships is difficult to beat ‘ especially when I know some guys would welcome it.

But it’s crucial that the man be the spiritual leader of a couple. I insist upon being chased after because of that principle. If I hunt a man down and initiate the relationship, I have no basis for confidence that he’ll be a trustworthy driver when I let him into the driver’s seat.

That’s not a risk I’ll take. I’m a grown woman with goals, desires, and ambition, but that doesn’t make me a feminist. I believe in the biblical model for marriages. If we can’t strive to uphold that standard, I’m better off single.

I realize that my ideals are lofty. Perhaps they offer explanation for my singleness ‘ so be it. I’ll be an unmarried woman for the next seventy years if that’s how long it is before a man is welcome to fill that role in my life. Rest assured that if he ever steps into that part, I will spend every remaining day striving to love him and submit to him as the church does to its Head.

Mr. Whoever-You-Are, I’m willing to put forth time and effort if you will do the same.

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